


Balance of Friendship

by Laparoscopic



Series: Elliot & Susan [2]
Category: El Goonish Shive
Genre: AU, Dating, F/M, Friendship, Little Suze, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-10-12 00:39:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17457311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laparoscopic/pseuds/Laparoscopic
Summary: Susan and Elliot have some issues to resolve.Begins the day after the events inFifty Shades of Awkward.





	1. Chapter 1

Most weekends, Susan felt vaguely out of sorts if she didn’t have any work shifts at the video store with Elliot. It wasn’t as if she didn’t see him five days a week at school, but she missed seeing him on the weekends if they didn’t work together. She didn’t _need_ to see him, of course; it wasn’t as if he was her boyfriend or anything. But she was generally happier if she got to spend at least a little time with him on Saturday or Sunday.

Most weekends. But not this weekend.

Susan got in to work early on Saturday morning, and looked around the parking lot for Elliot’s car. She was relieved to see it wasn’t there. She entered the store and went to the office to look at the work schedule on the wall, checking for potential overlap. She was glad to see that he wasn’t working at all that day, and Sunday he’d be arriving just as she was leaving. All she needed to do was ask Tensaided to let her out a little early tomorrow for some made-up errand, and she wouldn’t have to see Elliot at all.

 _I’ve got to see him eventually_ , she told herself. She might get to school at the last minute on Monday and miss their usual before-school chat in the cafeteria, but it would be difficult to avoid him at lunch time. _Maybe take lunch in the library? Work on a paper?_

She shook her head, annoyed at herself. _Just face him, coward. Communicate! He’s not some frightening monster. He’s one of the nicest guys I know._

 _Nicest…sexiest…hottest…kindest…_ She cut that line of thought off before it could go any further. She found herself hoping it would be a busy day at work, so she wouldn’t have any spare time to think. To feel. To remember. A snapshot image of Elliot in the throes of orgasm, his thighs and abs flexed taut, flashed through her mind. She felt a wash of heat run through her body before she ruthlessly repressed the memory.

Her desire for a busy shift was granted when several cartons of new DVDs which should have arrived and been processed on Friday instead arrived that morning. She and Tensaided were kept hopping, between dealing with the new inventory and the usual customers looking for something to enjoy on a Saturday night. They barely got time to eat lunch, and when Malina arrived for her shift at five, Susan was more than ready to escape.

She went to the office to clock out and pick up her purse and jacket. Shrugging on her jacket, she opened the office door and walked straight into Elliot, bouncing off his chest.

“Whoa! Uh, hey, Susan.” Elliot took a step back, his hand raised, as if he’d been just about to open the door and walk in.

Susan froze for a moment, words escaping her, then she blurted out the first thing to come to mind. “Hi. Are you…working this evening?” Then she shook her head. Stupid question, it was Malina’s shift, and he wasn’t wearing his store shirt. She swallowed hard, and tried not to let her suddenly racing heart show.

“No. I was hoping to see you. Didn’t you get my text?”

Susan shook her head. “No, it was a zoo today. I never looked at my phone.” She pulled her phone out of her purse and glanced at it. She saw she had a voice mail from Sarah, and a text from Elliot asking if she wanted to meet after work.

Looking back up at Elliot, she really _looked_ at him, and realized he looked almost as nervous as she felt. “You wanna go grab a bite to eat?” he asked.

“Um. I really should get home, I need to…my mother…I mean…” Susan drew a blank on a believable excuse for heading home right away. She closed her eyes and sighed. “Ah, _frak_.”

“Susan.” Elliot’s voice was quiet.

Susan opened her eyes and flicked a brief glance up at his face before staring at the floor. “What.”

“I…I had a talk with Sarah. About yesterday.”

Susan’s head snapped up and she stared at Elliot, wide-eyed. “You _what?”_

“Well, I figured she’d probably be hearing about it from you eventually, and I _really_ needed someone to talk to but you weren’t answering your phone last night, which made me nervous, and Ellen was out with Nanase, and, and…” he trailed off and smiled hesitantly. “Sorry. I hope you don’t mind.”

“ _Double_ frak.” Susan rubbed her temples for a moment, trying to get her surging emotions under control. _It’s your own damn fault for not taking his calls last night_ , her rational voice told her.

_But he talked with someone else about me without asking!_

_He talked to your best friend. Who you were planning on talking to tonight anyway. Were you going to ask_ **_him_ ** _first?_

_Well, no, but…_

_Hypocrite._

She sighed again, and tried to smile back at him. “No, that’s…okay. I…I was going to talk to her tonight myself.” She snorted. “You just beat me to it.”

“Well, I didn’t have to work today.”

“Right.” She eyed him for a moment, then, unable to repress her curiosity, she asked, “What did she have to say about it?”

Elliot’s mouth twitched in a little grin. “A lot. But it basically boiled down to two things.”

Susan waited for a moment, then rolled her eyes. “You’re going to make me ask?” He just smiled. “Fine. _What_ two things?”

“One: _Finally._ ” Susan gave a startled laugh at that. “And you can probably figure out the second thing. It was two words.”

Susan blinked at him, puzzled for a moment, then they said, in unison, “ _Communicate, dammit_.”

Elliot chuckled, and Susan felt her shoulders drop as she smiled back at him.

“She’s right, you know,” he said.

“About which?”

“Both, actually, but I meant the second. We need to talk.”

“Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry I didn’t take your calls last night. I was just…scared.”

“Me too.”

“You were?”

Elliot gave her an incredulous look. “Why _wouldn’t_ I be?”

Susan flushed. “I don’t know, because you’ve had more experience with relationships? You’re more together, less neurotic than…I mean…” She squeezed her eyes shut tight for a moment, then looked him in the eye. “Sorry.” She tried to put as much sincerity into that word as she could.

“It’s all right. So, do you want to continue to hash this out in the doorway to the office, or should we go somewhere else to talk?”

“Definitely stay here,” said Malina, making Susan jump. “This is the most interesting conversation I’ve heard in _ages_.”

Susan looked over at the comedy rack where Malina was standing with an armload of DVD cases. She scowled at their co-worker. “And how long have you been standing there?”

Malina grinned, unaffected by Susan’s glare. “Long enough to second Sarah’s comments. Both of ’em.”

Elliot sighed. “Please don’t mention this to anyone else. Especially Tensaided. At least, not until we’ve had a chance to…to sort things out ourselves.”

Malina regarded him for a moment, then nodded. “Fair enough. But only if you two idiots actually go somewhere and talk this out. Whatever ‘this’ is. ‘Finally’ might sound like a punchline, but…it _is_ a sincere reaction.” She gave them a smile that was surprisingly warm, and returned to shelving DVDs.

Susan was surprised at this unlooked-for endorsement of their…relationship. Whatever it might turn out to be. She was also grateful that neither she nor Elliot had said anything that let Malina know the specific nature of the events that had precipitated all of this drama.

She finished zipping up her coat, then said to Elliot, “Want to grab some pizza at Rosati’s?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll meet you there.”

Before starting her car, Susan called her mother to let her know she wouldn’t be home for dinner. She then tried to use the short drive to the pizza joint a few blocks away to figure out what she wanted to say to Elliot. But she kept drawing a blank. Her stomach was a knot of tension, and she had to fight the urge to just drive home, avoid the oncoming conversation altogether.

 _Frak. I don’t know what I want to say. I don’t know what I_ **_want_ ** _._

Well, that was only partially true. She knew what she wanted, in the most general sense—she wanted Elliot. She wanted to be “normal,” non-neurotic, able to touch him and enjoy him and do all those stupid things they watched those actors doing yesterday.

 _And if wishes were horses, we’d be knee-deep in fertilizer,_ she grumbled to herself. “Wishing” she could touch Elliot didn’t make it happen. Maybe a few more years of therapy might make that happen, but for the moment…

 _What I_ ** _most_** _want is for things to go back to the way they were yesterday. Before that damn video. Before we…_ Her face flushed at the memory of what they’d done. Masturbating together. Twice. Enjoying each other’s “performance.” She shoved the memories aside, not wanting to get turned on, or distracted while driving.

_I want to turn back the clock, make things to go back to the way they were, but I also want to keep those memories of Elliot. Of how he looked._

_Of how he looked at_ **_me_** …

She parked the car several spaces down from Elliot’s car, and rested her head on the steering wheel for a moment.

 ** _Can_** _we go back to the way we were? Just friends? Or maybe we should take a break from each other for a while._ She snorted. _Break up before we even start…dating?_

A gentle tap on her window made her jump, and she looked up to see Elliot standing beside her car. She gave him an embarrassed smile through the window, then shut off the engine and got out of the car. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”

“I hear you. I’ve been trying to do a bit of that too.” They started walking towards the restaurant. “Even though Ellen would tell me that introspection is _her_ strong suit, not mine, I’ve…tried my best. To think some things through.”

“Hold that thought,” Susan said as they entered the restaurant.

The next few minutes were taken up with the mundanities of getting seated and ordering a pizza—their usual, half pepperoni for Elliot; half pineapple, chicken, and mushrooms for Susan. The activity felt so normal that Susan felt herself relaxing somewhat.

As the waiter left the table with their order, Susan excused herself to go wash her hands. She was all too aware that restaurant menus weren’t ever washed, merely occasionally wiped down with a damp, probably germy cloth. It took all her willpower just to handle one in the first place. “I’ll hold down the table,” said Elliot with a grin as she got up. Susan smiled back, trying to ignore the way his grin made her feel. It was a normal grin, relaxed and confident. As if he felt things were normal, could continue to be normal.

_Please let us go back to normal._

When she got back to the booth, Elliot said, “My turn,” before heading to the restrooms himself, which pleased her. He’d picked up that habit a while ago, after she’d explained why she washed her hands after ordering. She didn’t know if he did it when he was eating out with other people, but he always did when he was with her. Even if they weren’t sharing a communal dish, like pizza.

 _Gorrammit, he’s so_ ** _nice_** _. He deserves better than a neurotic mess like me._ She bleakly considered the ways the coming conversation might go. She knew he disagreed with her self-appraisal, but she felt he was seriously underestimating the level of her psychological dysfunctions. Suddenly she regretted being in a restaurant, where she’d be trapped until they’d at least paid for dinner, if not finished it. She glanced toward the restrooms—he wasn’t returning yet. She pulled out her wallet and quickly removed a twenty dollar bill, and stuffed it into her pants pocket for easy access.

A minute later, Elliot slid back into the booth across from her. “So,” he began to say, but Susan held up a hand, cutting him off.

“May I go first?” she asked. He regarded her for a moment, opened his mouth as if he were about to say something, then he closed it and gave her a nod.

She took a deep breath, then dropped her gaze to the table top, unable to meet his eyes. “I just wanted to start with an apology. It was my fault we were watching that stupid video in the first place, so it’s my fault that we got so…so worked up.”

“That’s nothing to apologize for—”

“No,” she interrupted him. “It _is_. It made us do things. _Foolish_ things.”

“Foolish? Do you regret what we did?” He sounded a little hurt. Susan didn’t look up. She didn’t want to see his expression.

 _No._ “Yes. It…it upset things. Changed the balance of our friendship.”

“Yeah…but I don’t necessarily view it as a _bad_ change.”

“What, you don’t feel incredibly awkward right now too? You said you were scared last night.”

“Yeah, I was. And I am nervous. But…I think the changes could be good. Good for _us_. Both of us.”

Susan closed her eyes and shook her head. “I want to continue to be your friend, Elliot. I don’t want to lose that. But I…I _can’t_ date you.”

“I know you’ve said in the past that you have no interest in dating. And I respect…I _want to_ respect that. That’s certainly your choice, your prerogative.”

“Then why are we even having this conversation?” Susan asked, somewhat exasperated.

Elliot rubbed his face in his hands for a moment, then looked back up at her. “I’ve been asking myself that same question. I don’t _want_ to be…like Tom, trying to push you or manipulate you into something you don’t want.”

“You’re nothing at _all_ like Tom,” Susan said firmly.

“Thank you for that.” He stared at her, looking somber, then he seemed to reach a decision. He took a deep breath. “Okay. I’ll respect your wishes. But would you do just one thing for me first?”

“What?” Susan asked warily.

“Tell me again, simply and honestly, that you have no desire to date.”

Susan frowned. “That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“Very well. I…” She stared at Elliot, the words frozen in her mouth. “I don’t…”

She sat there, silent, staring at Elliot. She could feel her face heating up as the silence stretched out. _It’s just five words! Say them! ‘I don’t want to date.’ Easy._

_But he asked me to say them honestly. And can I honestly say that anymore?_

Susan closed her eyes and groaned. She propped her elbows on the table and buried her face in her hands. “Frak.” The made up swear word seemed inadequate to her current conflicting emotions. “ _Fuck.”_

“So…” Elliot ventured cautiously. “Does that mean—”

Susan looked up at him, frowning. “I don’t know _what_ it means. I…I need to think about this.” She stood up, pulled the twenty out of her pocket and dropped it on the table. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. Here’s for my half of the pizza, you can take it home to Ellen or something.”

She turned and darted out of the restaurant without waiting for a response, yanking on her jacket as she went.

“Susan!” she heard Elliot call out behind her, but she didn’t look back.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Susan sat in her car, parked on a side street a block away from Sarah’s house, and stared out the front windshield. She’d been trying for ten minutes to work up the nerve to call Sarah and ask if she could visit. To talk. Normally, that would not be a problem for her, but in this case, Elliot had gotten there first. She wasn’t at all sure what she might be walking into, since Sarah had some background on what had happened.

 _She’s your friend, moron. Just call her._ Sighing, she pulled her phone out and turned it on. She saw the voicemail indicator from Sarah, and also saw she had three texts from Elliot in the last few minutes. She shook her head, then decided to ignore those and leave her phone on silent. _He’ll have to wait._

She hesitated a moment, then tapped on the voicemail icon. A tinny version of Sarah’s voice filled the car. “Hey, Susan, how’re you doing? I’ve, um, Elliot came over to talk. We talked about, you know, last night. He’s pretty rattled that you aren’t taking his calls. I think…no, never mind. We should talk, too. I hope you’re doing okay with all this. I know you’re…Gah! Never mind that, either. Let’s talk. I really want to hear how you’re doing. Call me?” There was a long silence, as if Sarah had contemplated saying something else, then, “Bye.”

Susan sighed and hit the callback icon.

Three minutes later, she was at Sarah’s front door. Sarah answered with, “Hey, Susan,” then, after looking at Susan for a moment, she wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close. Susan stiffened for a moment, startled, then she hesitantly returned the hug. She rested her head on Sarah’s shoulder and sighed.

After a minute, Susan pulled back, and Sarah released her. Susan tried to surreptitiously wipe her eyes as she took off her jacket.

“Thanks,” she said hoarsely.

“No problem. Come on in, dinner is just about ready.”

“What?” Susan froze, suddenly realizing she was smelling something delicious. “Why didn’t you ask me to come over later?” She started to pull her jacket off the coat hook to put it back on.

Sarah put a restraining hand on Susan’s arm. “Don’t be silly. We’ve got enough food for four. I already asked, my folks don’t mind. You know Dad always makes enough for leftovers.”

Susan reluctantly finished hanging her jacket up.“I know, but…I would have been happy to wait.”

“Have you eaten?”

“Well. No. I mean, we were going to split a…” She trailed off, and looked away from Sarah.

“You sounded like you needed company sooner rather than later.”

Susan frowned. “All I said was, ‘Hey, can I come over to talk?’ How much can you read into that?”

Sarah snorted. “In this case? Quite a bit.” She smiled at Susan. “You’re not half as Vulcan as you like to think you are. Come on, it’s pork roast tonight. And Brussels sprouts and squash.” She snickered as Susan’s stomach growled in response.

Dinner was delicious and relaxing. She and Sarah talked with Mr. and Mrs. Brown about innocuous things, like school, and plans for college. Susan realized that it said something about her current mental state that discussing college plans was relaxing instead of daunting. But getting some food into her stomach, and distracting herself from her worries for a while, helped her to calm down and get better centered.

After dinner, Susan helped Sarah load the dishwasher, then she wiped down the table and counters while Sarah scrubbed the pots and pans.

‘Thanks for dinner, Mr. Brown, it was wonderful, as always.”

“You’re welcome. Thanks for cleaning up.”

“Of course.”

Mrs. Brown smiled. “Our counters are never so clean as when you stay for dinner.”

Susan blushed a bit, and tried to smile back at her. She knew Mrs. Brown was offering a sincere compliment, not commenting on her compulsive cleanliness, but it still felt awkward.

After cleanup was done, Susan and Sarah retired to Sarah’s room. Sarah didn’t even ask if Susan wanted to talk in the family room, for which Susan was grateful. She had no desire to discuss recent events anywhere the senior Browns might possibly overhear.

Sarah propped some pillows up against the headboard of her bed and plopped down on the bed, stretching out. Susan took a seat in the desk chair, as was her wont.

“Thanks for that,” Susan said. “I barely had time for lunch today, and I was hungrier than I realized.”

“You looked a little hollow when you showed up.”

“Hollow. Yeah, that sorta describes how I felt.”

“So, you wanna talk about it?”

Susan blushed. “How much…what did Elliot tell you? About yesterday?”

Sarah snorted. “He talked _around_ it for almost an hour, before finally just blurting it all out. Once he felt sure I wouldn’t be upset by the news, I think.”

“So…what did he blurt out?”

Sarah took a deep breath. “Uh. That the two of you watched a Star Trek porno together to review it. And got turned on, and then you, you know, played with yourselves. Together. A couple of times.”

“That’s…basically it, yes.” She considered her friend, Elliot’s ex. “And were you? Upset, I mean.”

Sarah frowned. “No, and yes? I mean, I think it’s _great_ for you and him, I think you two could work well together. Be good for each other. It’s been a couple of months since we broke up, I’m glad he’s moving on.”

“But?”

Sarah sighed and gave Susan a rueful smile. “But…I can’t help feeling a _little_ bit jealous. In all the time he and I were dating, we never did anything anywhere _near_ that sexy. Despite my best efforts in that direction.”

“I think the whole ‘love you like a sister’ thing was holding him back.”

“Yeah, yeah. I guess.” Sarah grimaced. “It’s all moot now.” She stared at her toes broodingly for a moment, then she looked up and gave Susan an embarrassed grin. “Is he as sexy as I imagined him to be when he’s naked?”

Susan giggled at that and blushed. “I have no idea what you imagined, so I can’t possibly answer that question. But…he _is_ pretty darn sexy.”

Sarah looked wistful. “I’ll bet.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sarah shook her head. “Don’t be. I love you both and want you both to be happy. And if you can be happy with each other, well, so much the better.”

Susan sighed. “I’m not sure we _can_ be happy together. I mean, _he_ could, but I don’t think _I_ can.”

“Um. It kinda takes two to tango.”

“That’s not—I mean—“ Susan ran a frustrated hand through her hair. “He said he’d respect my wishes. About my not wanting to date.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Elliot.”

“Yeah, but…he also asked me to tell him honestly that that was what I still wanted. To not date, that is.”

“And?”

Susan scowled at the floor. “I…couldn’t.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, _oh_.”

“So…you _maybe_ want to date Elliot. Elliot definitely wants to date you. And you _know_ he’ll go as slowly as you ask him to. He won’t push you beyond your comfort level. I’m not seeing a problem here.”

Susan scowled. “The _problem_ is that I don’t want to lead him on. Give him false hopes. Promise him something I can’t give.”

Sarah snorted. “Wasn’t the time to think of that _yesterday_ , before you got naked together?”

Susan rested her elbows on her knees and buried her face in her hands. “Frak. Yeah.”

Sarah gave her a few moments to collect herself, then said, “I must admit, I was…a wee bit surprised when Elliot finally worked up the nerve to tell me what you did.”

Susan laughed. “A _wee bit_ surprised?” She looked up at Sarah, who was grinning back at her.

“All right, I was dumbfounded. Shocked. Flabbergasted. Stunned. Utterly amazed. Flummoxed. Supremely—”

“I get the point,” Susan cut her off. She brushed her hair back behind her ears. “Honestly? Me too. _After_ the fact, mind you.”

“So…why did you?” Sarah asked. She looked curious.

“Ah, frak, I don’t know. Hormones?”

Sarah snorted. “You have one of the most tightly controlled libidos of anyone I know. I don’t buy that.”

“Me neither,” Susan sighed. “It’s…it was a combination of a lot of things, I think. A perfect storm of bad impulses, all coming together at just the right moment. Or wrong one, maybe.”

“What things?”

Susan blew out a breath and looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, you can’t _totally_ dismiss hormones as a factor. But, biology aside… It was partly the fault of that damn movie. I mean, not just the fact that it turned us on. But…an hour and a half of watching people get naked and have sex just made getting naked ourselves seem…less outrageous, somehow. We got desensitized to nudity.”

Sarah looked skeptical. “I didn’t feel like blowing up Parliament after watching _V for Vendetta_.”

“No, but—that’s not something you’d normally feel like doing anyway. Being…horny…is something I normally feel. Sometimes.”

“Okay, I’ll buy that.”

“Partly it was…his damn grin.”

Sarah laughed. “Oh, yeah. I know what you mean. I don’t think he has any idea how dangerous that thing is.”

“Truly.” Susan smiled ruefully. “If any _other_ guy had suggested, ah, mutual masturbation, I would have said no, assuming it was a step towards seduction. But given that it was Elliot—”

“Wait, _he_ suggested it? Not you?”

“Oh. Uh, yes?”

Sarah closed her eyes, a frown furrowing her forehead. “ _Now_ he gets assertive?” she grumbled.

“Sorry,” Susan said. She knew that Elliot’s lack of assertiveness had been a major factor in Sarah breaking up with him.

Sarah opened her eyes and smiled ruefully at Susan. “Not your fault.” She held up a hand as Susan opened her mouth to reply, and added, “Not _anybody’s_ fault, I know. Just…dang it.” She sighed. “ _He_ may have seen me as a sister figure, but, trust me, my feelings toward him were _never_ fraternal.”

“Yeah, I got that impression.”

Sarah sighed. “Were there any other contributing factors?” she asked, getting the conversation back on track.

Susan grimaced. “Partly it was just wishful thinking, I think.”

“Eh?”

“Wishing I was…normal.”

“Susan…”

Susan waved a hand. “I know, I know, there’s no such thing as ‘normal.’”

“That wasn’t what I was going to say.”

“Oh?”

Sarah stared at her silently for a long moment, long enough for Susan to start getting nervous. Finally she said slowly, “I’m trying to figure out the best way to say this, but… Susan. You’re not normal, you’ll never _be_ normal.” As Susan’s eyes went wide and she felt her face grow hot, Sarah hastened to add, “That's because you're so much _better_ than normal. So extraordinary. So wonderful. Being ‘normal’ for you would be, like, a _serious_ downgrade.” Susan appreciated the sentiment, but she also found it uncomfortable. It felt like unearned praise.

Sarah sat up straighter and swung her feet off the bed. She leaned forward, towards Susan, and stared intently into her eyes. “You're the one who’s always giving _me_ grumpy lectures about how over-sexualized our society is. So maybe apply some of that critique to yourself?”

“Huh?” Susan had no idea what Sarah was trying to get at.

Sarah sighed. “Last night notwithstanding, sex and physical contact aren't the _only_ components of a relationship. I've seen you two together. You ‘click,’ you…feed off of one another. Bring out good parts of each other. You're _good_ together. Lots of folks have a loving relationship without sex. Either they're not ready for it, or they want to wait for religious reasons, or whatever. So, why can't _you_? Have a loving, non–sexual relationship, I mean. Popular culture to the contrary, screwing is _not_ a prerequisite for dating.” She took a breath, and gave Susan a slightly embarrassed smile. “Sorry, lecture over.”

“Okay. Thanks.” Susan sighed and stared at the ceiling for a long moment, thinking. She looked back at Sarah shrugged. “Yeah, that makes sense, but only if Elliot wants it too. A non-sexual relationship, I mean. Which I don’t think he does. But…” She grimaced and looked frustrated.

“But?” Sarah prompted, as the silence stretched out.

“But _I_ want a sexual relationship,” Susan blurted. “With him, especially.” She buried her head in her hands, and tugged on her hair. “But at the same time…I don’t. I _can’t_.”

“Eh. You can’t, _yet_.”

“Yeah. Maybe. I mean, I’ve always assumed— _hoped_ —that someday I could. Would.” Susan sighed.

Sarah regarded her for a moment. “When’s your next therapy appointment?”

“Thursday. Though I suppose I could call and ask if he has any openings before then.”

Sarah nodded. “Might not be the a bad idea.”

“Yah.” Susan rubbed her eyes for a moment, then shook her head sharply and tried to smile at Sarah. “Enough.”

“Enough what?”

“Enough about me. I’m just going in circles. What have _you_ been up to lately? I haven’t really seen you outside of school for a couple of weeks or so.”

“You mean aside from advising my best friend and my ex on their love lives?” she asked wryly.

Susan grimaced. “Sorry. I know this has got to be a little weird for you.”

Sarah waved that aside, almost convincing Susan that it really didn't bother her. “Haven’t been doing much. Ashley came over last night, we hung out and watched a movie.”

“What movie?” asked Susan, her “professional” curiosity piqued.

“ _Stardust._ You ever see it?”

“Oh, yeah, that’s a sweet one. Based on a Neil Gaiman story. Good stuff.”

“Yeah.” Sarah snorted. “Though Kevin didn’t think much of the magic in it.”

“Wait, what, Kevin watched too?”

“My folks were out for the evening, so Kevin didn’t have to hide. He kept critiquing the magic used in the film, until Ashley threatened to stuff him under a pillow and sit on him.”

Susan laughed. She could easily imagine the loquacious magic wand being nitpicky about magic systems.

“We were thinking of going to see _The Lego Movie_ at a matinee tomorrow.”

“Yeah, that’s gotten surprisingly good reviews. I want to see it too.”

“Well, you’d better hurry. It probably won’t be in the theaters for much longer.”

Susan was a little surprised. Usually a leading comment like the one she’d just made would have gotten her an invite to join them. “Well, I can always wait and see it when it shows up at work, I guess.” She cocked her head curiously. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Ashley lately, haven’t you?”

For some reason, Sarah blushed at that. “Yeah, well, she’s new to all this magic stuff. Tedd is really busy with his new lab, so I’ve been filling her in on some things.”

“That’s nice.” Susan hadn’t really spent any time outside of school with the newest addition to their lunch table group.

Susan jumped as her phone in her pocket vibrated. Sighing, she pulled it out and glanced at the display.

“Elliot?” guessed Sarah.

Susan sighed again. “Yeah.”

“What’s he say?”

“Just that he wants to talk.”

“Not an unreasonable request,” Sarah said.

Susan set the phone down on Sarah’s desk, and buried her face in her hands. “I know it’s not unreasonable,” she muttered into her hands. “But I don’t feel up to talking, yet. I still need time to process things.”

“Then just text him back saying that.”

Susan looked at her phone and grimaced.

“C’mon, Susan. It’s the least you can do for him.”

“Yeah…” Susan picked up her phone and flicked it on, opening the messaging app. She stared at the screen. “What do I say?” she asked plaintively.

“What you just said to me.”

“Um…”

Sarah sighed. “Boy, you’ve got it bad.”

Susan scowled at Sarah, flushing with equal parts embarrassment and annoyance. “That’s not helping.”

Sarah smiled. “Ms. Pompoms, take a memo, please.” Susan rolled her eyes, but moved her hands into a typing position. Sarah said, “Write this: ‘Hey, Elliot, I want to talk with you, but not just yet. Please let me have some time to think things through. I’ll see you in school Monday.’” She waited until Susan was done typing. “Now hit send.”

Susan hesitated with her thumb over the send icon.

“Send it, Susan. You’ll feel better for taking action.”

Susan frowned. “I think I like it better when _I’m_ the pushy one around here,” she muttered, then punched _send_ with unnecessary force. “There. Done. Happy now?”

“Yeah. Are you?”

Susan took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled and nodded. “Yeah. Thanks. Sorry for grousing at you.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Sarah said with a smile.

Susan stood up. “I think…I think at this point, I should probably head home and spend some time alone. Doing that thinking thing I said I needed to do.”

“All right.” Sarah stood up too, and walked Susan to the front door. As Susan pulled on her jacket, Sarah said, “Hey, Susan?”

“Yeah?”

“I…I _am_ a little jealous of you. Of you having a chance with Elliot, I mean.”

Susan bit her lip. “Yeah. I got that.”

“But, I really am happy for you. Both of you. I think you two could be really good for each other. So…I don’t know if it will require more therapy or what to make this work, but…please _try_ to make it work. I think you’ll find he’s worth the effort.”

Susan smiled softly at that. “Yeah. I think he probably is.”

Sarah pulled Susan into a hug, which Susan returned gladly. “Now go home and think about this. But not _too_ much.”

Susan laughed. “I’m not sure I can promise that, but I’ll try. Thanks, Sare.” She hesitated a moment, then added quietly, “I love you. You know that, right?”

Sarah smiled at her, her eyes shining brightly. “Yeah. Of course I do. I love you too.”

“Good night, Sarah.”

“Good night.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey bro,” said Ellen, looking up from her book, as Elliot entered their room. He lay down on his bed and closed his eyes.

“Hey yourself,” replied Elliot wearily.

Ellen arched an eyebrow. “Tough day at the office, dear?” she asked sweetly.

Elliot cracked an eye open and peered up at Ellen. “I didn’t work today—oh. You’re joking.”

Ellen rolled her eyes. “I swear to god, I sometimes have a hard time believing I was ever you.”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” Elliot grumbled.

Ellen shook her head and sighed. “Never mind.”

“Hrmph. Be nice to me, or I won’t let you have any of the pizza I brought home.”

“Pizza?” Ellen perked up. “What kind?”

“Rosati’s. Pineapple and chicken and mushroom.”

“Pineapple and—since when do you order anything other than pepperoni?”

“It was supposed to be Susan’s half of the pizza.”

“Supposed to be?”

“She ran out of the restaurant before the pizza arrived. She said you could have it.”

“Ran _out_?” Ellen set down her book and swung her legs over the side of her bed, and leaned forward. “Start over, from the top. How the living hell did you chase _Susan_ away? And why?”

Elliot rolled onto his side and propped his head up on his elbow. “It wasn’t on _purpose._ ”

“So what happened?”

“Well…Long story. It goes back to yesterday. You remember that we were going to review a Star Trek porno yesterday after school?”

“Oh, yeah!” Ellen grinned. It fell just short of being a leer. “How was it?”

“Eh…” He gave his sister an embarrassed smile. “Well, the story was…better than _Nemesis”—_

“Low bar.”

—“But the sex part was…” He trailed off in an unintelligible mumble.

“Was what?”

He grimaced. “Inspirational.”

Ellen blinked. “Inspirational? It…made you want to write a Star Trek porno yourself?”

Elliot glared at his sister, and she snickered. “Sorry, sorry. So, it turned you on?”

“Yeah. Turned _both_ of us on, to be more precise.”

Ellen’s eyebrows shot up. “Really? _Susan_ got turned on? I’d have thought she’d be too irked by the sexism and the violations of Star Trek canon to find it sexy.” Then she shook her head. “Wait a minute, how do you _know_ it turned her on? Did she actually _tell_ you that?”

Elliot snorted. “More like show and tell.”

Ellen’s jaw dropped. After several long moments of silence, Elliot said, “You’re letting flies in.”

Ellen snapped her mouth shut, licked her lips, and croaked, “Show… _how_?”

“We, ah…” He closed his eyes, his face turning red. “We masturbated together.”

After a long minute of silence, Elliot opened his eyes and looked at Ellen. She was staring at him, looking dumbfounded. “Are you still in there?” he inquired drily.

“Uhhh…”

Just as Ellen’s lips began to move, and it looked like she was about to form coherent speech, Elliot gave her an edged smile and added, “Twice, actually.”

That earned him another half minute of silence.

“Ooohhhh…kay,” Ellen finally managed. “Wow. I…wow.” She shook her head. “That is _not_ how I imagined that going.”

“That _what?”_ Elliot asked suspiciously.

“You and Susan finally getting together.”

Elliot groaned and flopped back onto his back. “You’re making a _very_ big assumption there,” he said as he stared at the ceiling.

Ellen frowned, looking puzzled, then she said, “Wait, what? You mean you’re _not_ together? That was just…fun with friends?” She sounded incredulous.

“ _I_ don’t know, Ellen. I’d be perfectly happy to be ‘together’ with her. I’m even pretty sure _she_ wants us to be ‘together,’ at least at some level. But at the same time she…she’s…I don’t know what. Scared, maybe? She says she’s too neurotic and messed up to date. I told her that if she truly didn’t _want_ to date, I’d respect that.”

“Yeah, okay, and…?”

Elliot shrugged. “When I asked her to tell me she honestly had no real desire to date, she didn't. Or couldn't. I don't know.”

“Well, that seems…hopeful?” Ellen essayed cautiously.

“Meh. No, _that_ was when she ran out of Rosati’s.”

“Oh.”

“And now she isn't answering her phone again. Or texts.”

“What do you mean, again?”

“She went silent last night, too, after I came home. I only got to talk to her _today_ because I caught her at work just as her shift ended, and we went to Rosati’s to eat and talk.”

“But not for long, apparently.”

“No.” Elliot looked glum.

“So where have you been all day? You weren’t here when I woke up.”

“Sometime in the afternoon,” Elliot grumbled.

“Hey, we were out late tracking down a possessed chihuahua.” She grimaced. “Squirmy little bugger piddled all over me.”

Elliot stared at her for a moment, then shook his head. “I don’t even want to know,” he muttered. “Well, since you weren’t awake to talk to, and Tedd wasn’t available either, I went over to Sarah’s after lunch and talked with her about it.”

“Wait wait wait. You talked with _Sarah_ about what happened? Our—er, your _—_ ex?”

“Yeah, well, she’s one of our oldest friends. And she's Susan's best friend. It seemed…logical. At the time.” He sighed. “Or maybe I was just desperate.”

“It _sounds_ like an emotional mine field. How'd she take it?”

“She seemed okay about it. She says she’s in favor of it. Susan and me being in a relationship, that is.”

“Huh.” Ellen looked thoughtful for a moment. “Me too, actually.”

“Great. That's everyone but Susan firmly in favor. Can we decide this by popular vote?”

Ellen snorted. “I don't think relationships work that way.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So, anyway, you talked with Sarah about it.”

“Yeah. I wasn’t _totally_ oblivious to the fact that talking with her about my love life might be awkward, but I sounded her out about it first, and she seemed okay with it. Like I said, she approves of the two of us getting together.”

“So, did she have any useful advice?”

“Mostly she just urged me to talk with Susan. ‘Communicate, dammit,’ is how she puts it.”

Ellen snorted. “Not bad advice. For any relationship.”

“Yah. If only she’d actually _talk_ with me.” Elliot frowned, frustrated, then he pulled out his phone.

“What’re you doing?”

“Just trying Susan again.” He tapped out a quick text. “Hey, Susan, I’d like to talk with you,” he said out loud as he typed. Then he set the phone down on the bed beside him.

“Simple. Direct,” Ellen said approvingly.

“Yeah.” He shook his head. “So, what do you think of this? Me and Susan, I mean?”

“Well, I’m still trying to process the notion of the two of you jerking off together.”

“Is is still jerking off if you’re female?” Elliot asked.

“Jilling off? Rubbing one off? Whatever. But, yeah, honestly, given the way the two of you have been hanging out and such since you broke up with Sarah, I would’ve been more surprised if you _didn’t_ end up together. I just never would have guessed that the physical side would precede the emotional. _Especially_ for Susan.” Ellen shook her head wonderingly. “That took some real guts, asking you to do that with her.”

“It was the other way around, actually.”

“Say _what?”_ Ellen stared at her brother incredulously. “Since when do _you_ initiate things like that? You’re the born follower.”

“Gee, _thanks_ ,” Elliot scowled at Ellen.

“That’s not an insult, El, it’s just an observation. With seventeen years of close observation to back it up.”

“Well, who says I can’t change?” he asked grumpily.

“No one, I just—”

She was cut off by the text tone on Elliot’s phone. He snatched it up and looked at Susan’s reply.

“What she say?” Ellen asked.

Elliot stared at the phone for a moment, grimacing, then passed it to Ellen. She read out loud, “Hey, Elliot, I want to talk with you, but not just yet. Please let me have some time to think things through. I’ll see you in school Monday.” She handed the phone back to Elliot. “Huh. Okay, well, having to wait isn’t ideal, but at least it isn’t ‘fuck off and die.’”

Elliot snorted. “As if she’d ever stoop to such crude language.” His mouth twitched in a small grin. “Though she _did_ start using the word ‘cock’ while we were reviewing the film. _That_ took me by surprise. She used the word ‘penis’ for a while, but I guess you can only watch so many blowjobs before ‘cock’ just seems more natural.”

“So many blowjobs?”

“The film was about forty percent blowjobs and sixty percent sex, with ten percent non-sex plot wrapped around it.”

“That doesn’t quite add up,” Ellen observed with a grin.

“The blowjobs were endless enough to make it feel like they were more than they actually were. I never dreamed a sex act could become so tedious. At least to watch.”

“But the movie was sexy enough to turn you on. You _both_ on.”

“Yeah, well. Some of the sex _was_ pretty hot. Some of the actors seemed to, um, enjoy their work.” He blushed and smiled awkwardly at Ellen. “They weren’t as…bored and boring as I thought they’d be.”

Ellen snickered.

“So, I guess…I just get to stew in my own juices until Monday.”

“Sounds like you have a lot fewer ‘juices’ to stew in than you did yesterday.”

Elliot threw a pillow at her. Ellen ducked, laughing, and tossed it back to him. “So. You said there’s pizza?”

“Yeah. Didn’t you eat dinner already?”

“Well, yeah, but it’s _pizza,_ ” she explained.

“Ah, yes, of course. It’s in the fridge. Help yourself.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me, thank Susan.”

“I will, the next time I see her.”

Elliot gave her a speculative look. “Say, do you think you could—”

“No.”

“I didn’t even—”

“You were going to ask me to talk to Susan. The answer is no. I’m not going to play cupid for you, and I’m not going to pressure her. Let her have her time to think, Elliot.”

Elliot groaned. “Yeah, but sometimes she can think _too_ much.”

“Well, that’s part of what you’re signing up for. If you _do_ start dating.”

“Dating.” He smiled wistfully. “I can only hope.”

“Here’s hoping. Meanwhile, pizza is calling to me.”

Elliot waved at her as she left their room. “Bon appetit.” Then he flopped back on his bed and sighed. _I hope you’re getting a lot of good thinking done, Susan. I’m certainly getting enough worrying done…_

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Elliot was willing to give Susan until Monday to think, but that didn’t take into account seeing her at work on Sunday. She was talking with a customer when he walked in, so he gave her a brief wave in passing, and headed to the office to clock in. He was surprised at how much his pulse accelerated from that simple interaction. He found himself standing in the office just staring at the wall after he took off his coat, trying to get his surging emotions under control.

“Hi, Elliot,” Susan said as she walked into the office.

He took a deep breath and hung up his coat. “Hi.” He tried to give her a normal smile, but he felt like he failed miserably. “I thought I wasn’t going to see you until tomorrow?”

Susan snorted. “Sarah didn’t know I worked today, and I forgot about it too, when I was typing that text.”

“Za? What does Sarah have to do with it?”

Susan busied herself with punching out, not looking at Elliot. “Er. I wasn’t sure of exactly how to say what I wanted to say to you, so, ah…Sarah dictated that text to me.”

Elliot laughed. “That explains why the wording didn’t quite sound like you. I just put that down to nerves.”

“Well, it was, in a way, I guess.” She finally turned around and faced Elliot. They regarded each other silently for a long moment.

“So…how’re you doing?” Elliot asked, then winced at the inanity of the question.

Susan smiled nervously. “I’m good. I’m good. How are you?”

“Good.” They stared at each other for another moment longer, then Elliot said, “I’ve got to get to work. I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. See you.”

They walked out of the office together, not looking at each other, and Susan waved to Tensaided as she left the store.

Tensaided looked at Susan’s retreating from, frowning slightly, then he looked at Elliot. “Everything okay with you two?”

“Yeah, sure. Everything’s fine. Why wouldn’t it be?”

Tensaided rolled his eyes. “Given what a _convincing_ liar you are, it’s a good thing no one ever asks you directly who Cheerleadra really is. Your secret identity would last about three microseconds.”

Elliot hastily looked around for listening customers, but he and his boss were alone in the store for the moment. “Uh…”

Tensaided sighed. “Did I screw up by giving you guys that stupid Star Trek movie to review? I know I can sometimes be a little off-base when it comes to interpersonals.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you two have been on edge with each other. I hope it’s not my fault.”

Elliot stared at Tensaided, puzzled. “We’ve hardly been around you at all since Friday. How would you get that impression?”

“Well, that’s my point. Normally, when the store is dead like this, Susan hangs around and chats with us—with _you_ —for a while after her shift ends. But she just zoomed out of here like a tachyon pulse, rather noticeably not looking at you. And yesterday, when you came in, the two of you looked like someone had kicked your pet tribble when you left.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.” Tensaided regarded Elliot for a moment, then said, “Listen, Sunday evenings are usually pretty dead. If you want to take the evening off to go talk with her—”

“No,” interrupted Elliot. “No, thanks. That's not—she doesn't—I mean…” He closed his eyes for a second and grimaced. He gave Tensaided a pained smile. “Thanks, but no. Susan…wants time to think.”

Tensaided’s eyebrows shot up. “‘Time to think’ sounds like something you say when you're contemplating breaking up. Susan told me you two weren't dating. Did that change while I wasn’t looking?”

Elliot groaned. “No. It hasn't changed. Not yet anyway. That's what she needs to think about. If we're going to _start_ dating.”

“Ah. Tricky, that.”

“Yeah.” Elliot rubbed the back of his neck, then looked gave Tensaided a sidelong glance. “So…you’re older than me. You got any useful relationship advice?”

Tensaided snorted. “You want advice on what movie to watch tonight, I’m your man. But I’m pretty sure you’ve got more dating experience than I have.”

“Oh. Uh, sorry.”

Tensaided shrugged. “No apologies needed. It’s fine by me. But most of the relationship advice I could give you would come from movies. So unless you think your life resembles something out of _Love, Actually_ or _500 Days of Summer_ , I probably won’t be of much use.”

Elliot chuckled. “I assume you’ve heard Susan’s diatribe about _Love, Actually_.”

“Which one of us has heard it more, do you think?”

“Well, you’ve worked with her longer, so I think you’d win that one,” Elliot said.

Tensaided looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, “Actually, you could probably take some romantic cues from her critique.”

Elliot frowned. “How so?”

“I mean, what does she hate most about that movie?”

Elliot snorted. “That could be hard to pin down. Either how the ‘best’ women are the ones who are silent and passive and pretty, or how stalking is made to seem romantic and normal, or how Neeson’s character trains his pre-pubescent son in the fine arts of obsessive stalking and sexualization of girls, or how men in power abuse their positions by—”

“Okay, I know her critique just as well as you do. So, look at all those critiques as thing _not_ to do.”

Elliot considered that for a moment. “So…no stalking her, check. I’m trying to give her the space she asked for.”

“Right. I don’t think she’d react well to you playing _In Your Eyes_ outside her bedroom window.”

“She’d throw a shoe at me. And anyways, didn’t that scene take place after they broke up? We haven’t even _started_ dating yet.”

Tensaided brightened up. “You caught that reference! Excellent! One more experience point for you.” He pulled a tiny notebook out of his pocket and made a notation. “At this rate, you’ll be a level three clerk in…well, sometime before you graduate. Maybe.” He looked dubiously at the notebook, then tucked it back in his pocket.

Elliot had never been quite sure if Tensaided actually recorded things in that tiny notebook, or if it was just a prop he used to perpetuate the joke. “I’m not sure if it’s possible to be my age and _not_ have seen _Say Anything…_ ,” he observed.

“I know. That’s why I only awarded you one point.”

Elliot snorted. “Right. As for those other critiques…I certainly don’t think she’s wonderful because she’s silent. She talks more than I do, usually. I _like_ talking with her. Listening to her. She’s bright and witty and snarky and fun.” He frowned as he considered the other points. “I’m not in a position of power to abuse her, not that I would even if I was.”

Tensaided sighed. “Okay, maybe this wasn’t my best idea. All the things she hates about that movie are already things you don’t or wouldn’t do. Which is probably part of why she likes you in the first place.” He gave a small grin. “You’re a genuinely _nice_ person, Elliot. Really, any girl would be lucky to have you.”

“Oh. Um, thanks,” Elliot said, blushing.

Tensaided clapped a hand on Elliot’s shoulder. “Why don’t you go grab a copy of _When Harry met Sally…_ to put up on the monitors. Maybe that’ll give you some ideas. Or at least distract you.”

“Sure.” But Tensaided left his hand on Elliot’s shoulder, squeezing slightly, so Elliot didn’t move.

“I just want you to know, I trust you, and I think you and Susan could be really good for each other. But if you do anything to hurt her…” Tensaided’s smile acquired a decidedly hard edge to it. “You will wake up in a coffin six feet underground.”

Not that that was really a threat to someone who could turn into a superhero, but Elliot was still made nervous by the remark. “You’d pull a Budd on me?” he asked.

Tensaided laughed, a genuinely friendly laugh, all trace of menace gone. “Not the reference I was shooting for, but that’s still good for another two experience points.” He let go of Elliot’s shoulder, and Elliot tried to refrain from rubbing at it. “Go grab that movie.”

“Right.”

As he wandered over to the Rom-Coms section, Elliot wondered why Tensaided was being so protective of Susan. But he was pretty sure he didn’t want to know badly enough to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Zee McZed for beta reading and ideas.


	5. Chapter 5

Monday morning, Elliot wanted to get to school a little earlier than usual. Just in case Susan was early, so he could see her. So they could talk.

Tedd grumbled sleepily at him as he dropped into the passenger seat of Elliot’s car. “That was five more minutes of sleep I could have gotten. Why are you picking me up early?”

“It’s only five minutes, Tedd.”

“Yeah, but why?”

“I just want to be there in case…I mean…”

“In case Susan also shows up early?” Tedd asked through a yawn.

Elliot flicked his eyes away from the road for a split second to glance at Tedd. “Why do you say that?”

Tedd sighed. “You and Susan talk to Sarah, Sarah talks to Grace, and Grace talks to me.” He rubbed his eyes. “They’re both rooting for you two to get together, by the way.”

“But not you?” Elliot asked, feeling a little hurt.

“Oh, yeah, me too, I just assumed that was a given.”

“Why would I take that as a given?”

“Um…” Tedd blinked at him a few times, then shrugged. “I dunno. Ask me again after I’m awake.” He closed his eyes and slumped down in the seat.

“It was just five minutes,” grumbled Elliot.

“Five more minutes of sweet, sweet sleep,” Tedd mumbled without opening his eyes.

When Elliot and Tedd walked into the cafeteria, Elliot’s eyes were instantly drawn to Susan, sitting at their usual table. She looked like she was reading a textbook, but she glanced up a moment after Elliot spotted her. Her chin jerked up in a little twitch, and she lifted a hand to wave at the two of them.

“Hey, guys,” she said ask they approached. She closed her text and shoved it into her backpack.

“Hey, Susan,” said Elliot.

“Hi, Susan,” said Tedd.

They pulled out chairs and dropped their backpacks beside them before sitting down.

“You seen Sarah or Ashley yet?” asked Tedd, before Elliot could think of an opening line. Ashley was usually the first one to arrive in the mornings.

“I think they’re dropping stuff off at their lockers.”

“Cool.” Tedd looked at Elliot staring at Susan, then back at Susan, and he shook his head. “You two want some alone time?”

“Yes,” said Elliot.

“No,” said Susan simultaneously.

Elliot gave her a plaintive look, and Susan said, “Come on, Elliot, I’m not going to discuss… _things_ here in the cafeteria. Besides, what could we possibly resolve before the bell rings?”

“See, I _could_ have gotten five more minutes of sleep,” Tedd sighed, as he crossed his arms on the table and laid his head down on them. Susan and Elliot both ignored him.

“All right, I guess so.” Elliot tried to think of something innocuous to say. “So, um, how was your weekend?” he asked.

Tedd laughed. Not opening his eyes or raising his head from the table, he said, “So, other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?”

Susan also laughed, and Elliot rolled his eyes, blushing slightly.

“What’s so funny?” asked Sarah, as she and Ashley walked up to the table.

“They’re trying to figure out how to make small talk,” Tedd said. “It’s not going well.”

Sarah looked at Susan and Elliot for a moment, then shook her head and sighed. “Maybe I should add a codicil to ‘communicate, dammit:’ there’s a time and place for everything.”

“Right,” said Susan. “ _Exactly_.”

“Okay, okay,” Elliot conceded. “So, I’ll just try to be…normal for now.”

“Right, because we’re all so good at being normal,” observed Sarah with a grin. She and Ashley sat down.

Elliot grimaced at Sarah. Then he did a double take, and peered more closely at her. “Are you wearing makeup?” he asked.

Sarah blushed and busied herself looking for something in her book bag. “Yeah. What of it? I’m a girl. I wear makeup sometimes.”

“But almost never at school, and certainly never on gym days. You said it’s just a waste to wash it all off partway through the day.”

“Yeah, well…” Sarah trailed off, her face bright red.

“Is that a hickey?” asked Susan, sounding startled.

Sarah’s hand flew up to cover the side of her neck, then she lowered it, grimacing.

“Za?” Elliot asked, his eyes going wide.

“Sorry,” Susan said, looking slightly abashed. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Tedd lifted his head from his arms to regard Sarah’s blushing face. “So, who’s the lucky guy?”

Susan frowned, looking puzzled. “I thought you were going to a movie with Ashl— _ohhh_.” Enlightenment dawned on her face, and her frown was replaced by a smile.

Ashley’s face was almost as red as Sarah’s. “Sorry, Sarah. I thought I’d gotten it covered up. Needs more foundation, I guess.”

Elliot just looked back and forth between Sarah and Ashley, his jaw hanging open.

Sarah sighed, and her hand crept back up to defensively cover the side of her neck. “I _really_ wish my hair was a bit longer. I should have waited ’til next week to get a haircut.”

“You should’ve gotten a girlfriend with a little more self-restraint,” Tedd said with a smirk.

Ashley buried her face in her hands. “Sorry!” she squeaked.

Sarah put a consoling hand on Ashley’s shoulder as she glared at Tedd. “It’s not her fault. I mean, it was, but…it wasn’t as if _I_ wasn’t…um, that is…” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Elliot finally found his words again. “Well, I’m glad you’ve got someone special in your life. _Lives_ ,” he amended, looking at Ashley too. Sarah smiled hesitantly back at him and Susan.

“I’m sorry I was too busy talking about my own issues to let you talk about this,” Susan said. “But I’m happy for you.”

Sarah relaxed and smiled. “Thanks, you two.” Ashley dropped her hands from her face and smiled hesitantly at the others.

Tedd groaned.

“What’s wrong?” asked Elliot. “You don’t approve?”

Tedd shook his head. “No, not that, I’m happy for you too, it’s just—when Grace finds out, she’s going to absolutely _shatter_ some windows with her squeeing.” He sighed. “Remind me to put in earplugs on the ride home tonight,” he asked Elliot.

The others laughed. “You could just text her the news, and let Ellen and Justin deal with the shattered eardrums on their own,” suggested Susan.

Tedd smiled fondly. “Yeah, but…I _really_ like seeing her get excited and happy. So unless you want me to _not_ tell her, I’ll do it myself. I’ll just put in earplugs first.”

Ashley and Sarah exchanged a glance, then Sarah nodded. “I guess there’s no reason not to tell her. Or anyone else, for that matter—it’s not as if Justin, Ellen, Nanase, or Diane…or Lucy…or Cat…or Rhoda, are going to get all homophobic on us.”

Elliot snorted. “No, not likely.”

Susan looked at him curiously. “Are you the last straight guy in Moperville?”

Elliot arched an eyebrow at her. “Excuse me? Have you forgotten what percentage of my time I spend as _not_ a guy?” He grinned, his face flushing a little pink. “And also, you’re making a pretty big assumption, there.”

Everyone looked at him, with varying degrees of surprise on their faces. “You, ah…you’re _not_ straight?” asked Sarah hesitantly.

Elliot shrugged and blew out a breath, looking pensive, before responding. “Honestly? I don’t know. When I’m…” he glanced around the cafeteria, then lowered his voice. “When I’m female, I’m usually attracted to men. And sometimes…that attraction carries over when I switch back. So, is that gay? Or bi? Or what?”

“You’re just you,” said Ashley. “The label doesn’t matter. Just as long as Su—uh, as long as your partner understands and doesn’t mind. Whoever that might turn out to be.” She smiled apologetically at Susan.

At that reminder of the indeterminate state of their relationship, Elliot looked at Susan, a little apprehensive about how she’d react to this revelation. But she didn’t look shocked, or offended. If anything, she looked thoughtful.

Tedd also appeared to notice Susan’s thoughtful regard of Elliot, and he said, “So, what about you, Susan? Are you the last straight girl standing?”

Susan blushed. “I…I think I’m with Ashley. Labels aren’t important.”

“Cop-out,” said Tedd.

Susan shook her head. “No, it’s just…I’m not sure _what_ you’d call my orientation. I’m not attracted to men _or_ women, specifically. I’ve recently realized that the sex of the person I’m attracted to doesn’t matter to me so much as the fact that I _know_ them. Like them. Have an emotional connection to them.” She gave Elliot a nervous smile. “Which I guess is useful, if the person one is attracted to is occasionally flexible with their own sexual identity.”

Elliot smiled back. “Hmm. One more reason—” He cut himself off and shook his head. “Sorry, yeah, not right now.”

As if to punctuate that idea, the bell for first period rang, and the usual thunder of students getting to their feet and grumbling off to class filled the air.

Elliot stood up, and waited until he caught Susan’s eye. “See you at lunch?” he asked, trying not to sound too desperately hopeful.

Susan smiled and nodded. “Yeah. See you then.” They all headed off to their assorted classes. He watched Susan and Ashley head off to their first class, momentarily envious of Ashley for having a class with Susan.

Tedd bopped him on the shoulder. “C’mon, dude, calculus awaits.”

Elliot sighed. “The only advantage to having calc first thing in the morning is, at least it gets it out of the way faster.”

“Yup.”

 

* * *

 

 

Lunch time eventually rolled around, and Elliot did his best not to do a parkour run to the cafeteria. He knew that getting there early wouldn’t help anything. Susan was frequently the last person in their group to arrive at lunch anyway, since her before-lunch class was at the other end of the building.

Still, he found himself at the head of the lunch line, getting lunch before the worst of the rush. He sat down with Ashley, who packed her lunch and was already sitting.

“Hi, Ash,” he said, setting down his tray and sliding into a seat across from her.

“Hi, Elliot.” She smiled at him, and he suddenly had an involuntary and disturbingly vivid mental image of her inflicting a hickey upon his ex-girlfriend. He blinked and shook his head, trying to dispel the thought. “Is something wrong?” she asked, looking concerned.

“Ah. No. Just…thinking. About stuff. Relationships.”

Ashley nodded. “Yeah, it sounds like you and Susan have some things to iron out.”

He was glad she didn’t know _which_ relationship he’d just been thinking of. He smiled wryly at her. “Well, it’s all your fault, you know.”

She looked startled. “It is? What did I do?”

“Nothing wrong,” he hastily added. “But…when you asked me if I liked Susan. You know, the day we met. That’s when I realized that I did. _Do_. Like her.” He shrugged and picked up his fork, poking dubiously at the hamburger casserole. “Otherwise, I’m pretty sure I never would have had the nerve to…”

He suddenly realized he didn’t know how much Ashley knew of last week’s events. He assumed Sarah had kept the more _intimate_ details private…but if Ashley was her girlfriend, then maybe not. “Well. Anyway. If you hadn’t asked me about how I felt, I don’t know how long it might have taken me to figure it out for myself. So, thank you.”

He looked up from his tray to see Ashley staring at him with an odd little smile on her face. He cocked his head. “Is something wrong?”

She shook her head sharply, reminding him of his own actions a moment ago. “No, I was just thinking about how wonderful that day eventually turned out to be for me. If I hadn’t followed you and seen you doing, ah, you know, I probably never would have met you. And Susan, and Sarah, and Tedd.”

Elliot smiled. “Especially Sarah?”

Ashley blushed and smiled sweetly. “Yeah. Especially Sarah.”

“Especially Sarah?” asked Sarah as she slid into the seat next to Ashley, tray in hand.

“Yes. _Especially_ Sarah,” said Ashley, her smile turning impish.

“What are you two talking about?” Sarah asked.

“How wonderful you are,” Elliot said, smiling. He noticed that Sarah had apparently given up on using makeup to try to hide her (or rather, Ashley’s) indiscretion. He almost asked her if she’d gotten any further teasing about it, but decided not to. He didn’t want to make Ashley feel more uncomfortable.

Sarah looked back and forth between Elliot and Ashley for a moment, looking skeptical, but then she shrugged and started eating.

“So, how long have you two been dating?” Elliot asked curiously, as he dug into his lunch.

Ashley glanced at Sarah and grinned. Sarah rolled her eyes. “That’s…not easy to answer. Hang on, let’s wait for Susan and Tedd. I don’t feel like repeating this.” She gestured toward the pair in question, approaching the table.

“Hey, ladies,” Elliot said as they sat down.

“What? Oh,” said Sarah, glancing at Tedd. “How do you do that?” she asked Elliot.

Elliot shrugged. “Dunno. It’s just obvious to me. I guess maybe because I’ve known Tedd for so long?”

“Sarah’s known me almost as long,” Tedd said, setting down her tray. “And Susan has known me only for a while, and _she_ can usually tell the difference.” She grinned at Sarah. “You’re just oblivious.”

“It’s not as if the form you use at school is all that obvious,” Sarah grumbled.

“Well, no. I’m still trying to pass as male,” Tedd conceded. Tedd chose a flat-chested form for being female in public, virtually identical to her male form. Aside from slightly softer facial features and the “plumbing,” the main difference was psychological, for her.

Elliot smiled at Susan but didn’t say anything as she sat across from him. She smiled back, warmly, but likewise was silent. He turned his attention back to Sarah. “So why is that question difficult?”

“Which question?” Susan asked.

“How long have they been dating,” Elliot said.

“Well…” Sarah looked embarrassed. “It’s mostly due to my obliviousness. _Ashley_ thought we’d been dating for a week or so now. I didn’t quite catch on until last Friday, when she kissed me.”

“So the first ‘real’ date we’ve had, where we _both_ thought of it as a date, was yesterday,” said Ashley with a grin.

“Did you even see the movie at all?” Tedd asked.

“Which movie?” asked Elliot.

“ _The Lego Movie_ ,” Sarah said. “And, _yes_ , we saw the movie. We’re not going to neck in public.”

“I was just barely able to convince her to hold my hand,” said Ashley.

Sarah blushed and frowned. “It’s not that easy. I’m not ashamed of you, but I’m still adjusting to the notion of dating another girl. I can’t…flaunt it in public just yet.”

“I know, sweetie.” Ashley put her hand on Sarah’s under the table and gave it a little squeeze, then let go of it. “This is why labels suck. We are what we are.”

“No, this is why _homophobia_ sucks,” Sarah muttered quietly. “I don’t care about being labeled gay, or bi, or whatever. I just don’t want to deal with the crap around it.”

Elliot frowned. “If anyone gives you grief about it, refer them to me.”

Sarah gave him a sad smile. “Are you going to beat up my mother for me?”

“Oh.” Elliot’s frown faded to a blush. “Um. No. I guess not.”

“Thank you.” Sarah sighed and poked dispiritedly at her lunch.

Elliot regarded Sarah for a moment, an uncertain expression on his face. “Um. I know you don’t like labels so much—”

Sarah shook her head. “That’s more Ash than me, really.”

“Right, right. So…if you don’t mind my asking… _are_ you bi? Or do I have some sort of magical superpower that turns the girls that I date into lesbians?”

Everyone laughed at that. “Watch out, Susan,” said Tedd teasingly.

Susan snorted. “My mother has occasionally expressed a wish that I _was_ a lesbian. Though that has more to do with her misandry than her acceptance of homosexuality.”

Elliot blinked. “Hmm. So, do you think it would help matters with her if I were to show up at your house as—”

“ _No,”_ Susan cut him off before he could complete the sentence. She looked like she was trying to frown at him, but her mouth kept twitching up at the edges. “And besides, it’s not my _mother_ you have to satisfy.”

Elliot arched an eyebrow at her. “Phrasing?”

Susan shook her head as the others laughed.

“But to answer your question,” Sarah said, “Yes, I consider myself bi. I don’t find you any less attractive. I’ve just…expanded my horizons.” She smiled appreciatively at Ashley.

“And what lovely horizons they are,” said Tedd.

“Tedd!” exclaimed Susan reprovingly. “What would Grace say?”

Tedd snorted. “She’d agree with me. She thinks Ashley is cute, too. Just because I’m in a relationship doesn’t mean that I’ve gone blind.”

“She does? You do?” Ashley blurted, going bright red.

“Of course they do,” said Elliot. “You’re adorable.”

That seemed to push Ashley over the edge into red-faced speechlessness. She gaped at Elliot for a moment, then turned and buried her head in the crook of Sarah’s neck, hiding.

“Er. Sorry?” Elliot offered hesitantly. “I wasn’t trying to embarrass you.”

Sarah stroked Ashley’s hair and whispered something into her ear, which made Ashley give a little huff of laughter. She sat up, still red faced, and smiled at Sarah. “Yeah. You were right.”

“I know,” Sarah replied with a grin.

Elliot stared at them, wondering what Sarah had said, but he was fairly sure she wouldn’t tell him if he asked. Or, maybe worse yet, she would. He shook his head and looked away from them, to find Susan regarding him with a small smile on her face. “What?” he asked her.

She stared at him for a moment longer before responding. “Yup. You’re too nice.”

“Thanks?” Elliot replied, not sure where that compliment came from, but happy to have Susan thinking well of him.

Conversation veered off into less intimate matters, concerning schoolwork and TV shows and movies. Elliot was relieved to find that he and Susan could still chat about these daily mundanities normally, without any awkwardness.

As he rose to take his empty lunch tray back to the tray return, Susan also picked up her tray and walked beside him. He grabbed the moment of relative privacy to ask, “So, when do you think you’ll be ready to talk with me about ‘things’?”

Susan sighed. “I…I don’t want to leave you hanging, but…my therapist’s appointment is Thursday. Can you hold on until after then?”

Elliot suppressed a grimace. He _really_ wanted to talk sooner, but…he knew he’d have to be taking things slow with Susan if they went forward anyway. This was just step one. “Of course I can wait. Maybe…maybe we could try dinner again on Friday? To talk?”

“As long as it’s not Rosati’s,” Susan said, blushing slightly. “I don’t think I can show my face there again for a while.”

“I don’t think anyone noticed anything out of the ordinary,” Elliot reassured her, as he dropped his tray at the window.

Susan set down her tray too, then they turned to head back to the table where their friends were waiting. “Maybe, maybe not, but _I_ feel awkward about it.”

“So where would you like to go?”

Susan was silent a moment. Just before they got back to their table, she said, “You decide.”

“Uhh…”

Susan stopped a few feet short of their table, and turned to smile at Elliot. “I’m going to be working on making a few changes in my behavior. Maybe you can too?”

Elliot sighed. Right, Susan had undoubtedly been privy to all of Sarah’s complaints about his indecisiveness over the past year or so. “Yeah, okay. That only seems fair.”

She smiled, and placed a hand on his arm for a moment. Just a brief touch, but those were so rare it sent a shiver up his spine. “Maybe we can be good for each other?” she offered hopefully.

Elliot smiled, and nodded. “Yeah. I like that notion.”

“Me too.” Susan bit her lip, the offered quietly, “I…I _do_ want to move forward. With you. I’m just unsure as to whether it’s really a good idea. Or how to do it if we do. Just let me hash a few things out with Dr. Tannen first, okay?”

Elliot smiled, heartened by her words. “Of course it’s okay. You take whatever time you need. We’ll work it out.”

Susan blushed, then nodded, and they headed back to their seats.


	6. Chapter 6

Susan sat down in her chair in Dr. Tannen’s office, and summoned Little Suze, as per usual. The fairy doll swooped in a single loop between her and Dr. Tannen, then flew off to its spot in the doll house behind her. Dr. Tannen smiled and offered his standard opening line, “So, how have you been since we last met?”

Susan took a deep breath, then blew it out. She brushed her hair back behind her ears. “Confused. Hopeful? Stressed. Happy. Scared.”

Dr. Tannen arched an eyebrow at her. After giving her a moment to expand upon that, he said, “That sounds like a complicated set of emotions. Can you unpack that a little for me?”

Susan snorted. “Elliot.”

“Ah. And what has happened with Elliot since last I saw you?”

Susan wondered how she could possibly respond to that. “Everything?” she offered.

Dr. Tannen nodded. “That _is_ quite a lot. Is there some reason I am only getting single word responses out of you today?”

Susan shook her head. “I…” She hesitated, then sighed. “There’s just so _much_ going on in my head. I’m almost afraid that if I start talking…I won’t be able to _stop_.”

Dr. Tannen cocked his head to the side. “This _is_ a place for you to talk. Freely and at length, if you so wish.”

“I know. I know.” She rubbed her face with her hands for a moment. Dropping her hands, she stared at the floor, unable to meet Dr. Tannen’s eyes as she blushed. “I guess I need to start at the beginning. When last we met, I, uh, I didn’t tell you about our plans for last Friday.”

“‘Our plans’ meaning yours and Elliot’s?”

“Yeah. You know our review show? Well, last Friday, we, uh… Through a long series of events which probably don’t need to be gone into, we decided to…sorta just for fun, and maybe to boost the hit rates on our show, we reviewed…we planned to review…” Susan closed her eyes. “A Star Trek parody…a porn flick.” She wanted to whisper that last phrase, but also she didn’t want to have to repeat it.

After a long moment of silence, she dared to open her eyes and look up at Dr. Tannen. He didn’t look shocked, or disapproving, or amused. Just his normal, accepting, waiting expression. “That was an interesting choice,” he said.

Susan snorted, “ _Interesting?_ You know I think that that’s the most non-committal word in the English language.”

“Yes. And it occasionally proves useful as such.”

“Meaning you’re waiting for my reactions before you react?”

He gave a small smile. “Yes.”

“Fair enough.” She sighed. “But that’s just the starting point. The confusing part is what it lead to. Which…” She suddenly wondered why she’d been worried about babbling. She was having troubles just starting. She stared at Dr. Tannen, wondering how to begin. She just barely noticed the subtle widening of his eyes as they flicked over her shoulder, before his expression returned to its normal, attentive state.

“Suze!” she snapped. She severed the magic link between them, returning the fairy doll to its inanimate state. She heard a small _thud_ as it fell to the ground. Blushing furiously, she didn’t turn around, not wanting to see what Suze had been doing. She asked Dr. Tannen through clenched teeth, “Please tell me it’s at least still dressed.”

“Yes. Her gestures were more…descriptive than actually demonstrative. She _is_ a part of you. There are lines that she— _you—_ won’t cross.”

“Thank god,” Susan muttered, then she sighed and reanimated the fairy doll. “So…you have some idea of what we did.”

“Perhaps. But I think it would be better for you to tell me directly. To avoid ambiguity, if nothing else.”

Susan groaned. “Yeah, yeah. We…” She looked off to the side, unable to meet his gaze. “We got turned on by the movie, and then we…we masturbated. Together.”

She finally looked back at Dr. Tannen, surprised to see a small smile on his face. “That sounds nice,” he said.

“ _Nice?”_ she asked incredulously.

“It wasn’t nice?”

“Well, yeah, I mean, of course, but… _nice?_ That seems…inadequate to the event.”

“Then how would you describe it?”

Susan took a deep breath. _He’s interested in the psychological side of things, not the physical,_ she reminded herself. “Scary. Happy. Fun. Awkward. Sexy. Hot.” She trailed off, uncertain how to proceed.

“And we’re back to single word responses.”

Susan laughed. “Yeah.” She took a moment to try and get her scattered thoughts in order. “Okay. You want more than one word?”

“Please,” he said, offering his own monosyllabic response.

Susan chuckled at that. “Okay. How I’d describe it…it was… It was more than I’d ever realistically hoped for, and also less, both wonderful and terrifying in its intimacy, despite the fact that we never touched. He’s so goddamn nice, he never even _tried_ to touch me, never even hinted that it might be nice to touch. When I asked him about it later, he said that he knew touching would be no fun for me, and thus it would be no fun for him. He _understands_ me, at some level, even if he doesn’t really get why I feel this way. He accepts it. Which is both…heartening and scary.”

She closed her eyes and thought back to that afternoon. “There’s an intimacy to sexual activity, even non-contact activity, that I think brought us even closer than we’ve gotten in the past few months. Which is lovely, and scary. _He_ wants more. Emotional intimacy, I mean. Hell, so do I, if I’m honest about it, but I don’t know if I’m ready for it. I want it, but…what can I offer him? A neurotic…girlfriend…who lusts for his body but is also afraid to touch him?”

“Is this solely about lust?” Dr. Tannen asked, breaking her train of thought.

“What?” Susan shook her head. “No. Of course not. I mean, what we’ve been hung up on, been dancing around these past few days since then, is whether or not to start dating. The lust…the, ah, sexual activity…was nice”—Susan grimaced as she realized she was using Dr. Tannen’s word for the event—“but that was…that was almost just an ice-breaker. A way to get us started. To get us talking. I wouldn’t ever do anything like that with someone I didn’t find attractive. Emotionally attractive, I mean. Not that he isn’t also _physically_ attractive…” She shook her head, banishing a mental picture of naked Elliot. “But we were both being so…so _respectful_ of the other person, that neither of us would ever take that first step.” She swallowed. “Until that stupid movie combined with our hormones and libidos to override our common sense, and, well, we ended up naked together.”

“It _is_ an unusual sequence for courtship, but if it works for you…”

Susan groaned. “But I don’t _know_ if it works.” She frowned, then said quietly, “After he left, I kind of freaked out about it. Couldn’t believe what we’d done. What _I’d_ done. It wasn’t a full-fledged panic attack, but…I was pretty shaken. When he called to talk to me that evening, I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. Though he called several times. I avoided him, and was trying to figure ways to avoid him forever, practically, but then he came in to work to see me as my shift ended Saturday and we ended up going out for pizza to talk after all.” She grimaced. “Kinda.”

“How did you feel when you saw him?”

“Startled. Nervous. Embarrassed.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Happy.”

“Happy?”

“Yeah. I was happy to see him. Just being around him made me happy. Even though I was nervous, even though I had a hard time imagining why he’d want to be around my neurotic self.”

“Despite the fact that he had called you several times the night before.”

Susan waved that aside. “I didn’t say it was a _rational_ feeling.”

“Yes, we are well into the depths of irrational feelings here.”

Susan looked up and frowned at Dr. Tannen, to see him smiling at her. “And I think that might be a good thing,” he added. “Especially for you.”

Susan groaned. “It may be ‘good for me,’ but it’s confusing as hell.”

“Perhaps we can untangle some of that confusion.”

Susan sighed. “Yeah.” Then she had no idea of where to start.

After a long moment of silence, Dr. Tannen asked, “What is your main concern?”

Susan thought for a moment. “I think my biggest fear is losing him as a friend.”

Dr. Tanner nodded. “What do you fear might cause that loss?”

Susan stared at Dr. Tanner, unsure of what to say first. “Me?”

He blinked. “Can you be more specific?”

“I mean… _me.”_ She waved a hand at herself. “This neurotic mess named Tiffany Susan Pompoms. If he gets too close to me, gets to know me too well…sees how fucked up I truly am at heart…why…” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Why would he want to have anything to do with me?”

Dr. Tannen waited until she opened her eyes again. “Would you say that the two of you have grown closer over the course of the past few months?”

“I guess so.”

“So he’s gotten to know you better?”

“Yes…”

“And has this resulted in him pulling away from you, or wanting to get to know you better?”

Susan grimaced. “The latter. So far.”

“Have you seen any indicators that he’s repulsed by you? At any turn, as he gets to know you better, has he seem disturbed by what he’s learned?”

Susan sighed. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. It’s a neurotic, insecure fear, with little basis in reality.”

“With _no_ basis in reality, I would argue. By all accounts, unless you have neglected to tell me of some emotionally significant interactions, the better he gets to know you, the more he likes you.”

Susan felt her face burning, but she couldn’t come up with anything to say to that. After a half minute of silence, Dr. Tannen asked, “Do you disagree?”

Susan shook her head. After another long pause, she said, “I was wrong. It’s not losing his friendship that I fear most.”

“Oh?”

She licked her lips. “I’m afraid…of getting my heart broken. When he leaves me. Which he will. Someday. One way or another.”

Dr. Tannen nodded. “And where does this fear come from?”

Susan groaned. “Ah, crap. And so, once again, we circle back around to my father.”

“It’s not unreasonable. The primary model for romantic interaction most people have is their parents.”

“I know, I know. I just…I hate having things come back to _daddy_. It just feels so damn cliché.”

“Just because something is cliché doesn’t mean it’s not true. Things become a cliché because they are common.”

Susan snorted. “And I hate feeling common. Boring. Mundane.”

“You’d rather create entirely new categories of neuroses for yourself out of whole cloth?”

Susan gave a sharp bark of laughter. “Okay, _now_ you’re just laughing at me.”

“Not at you. But the notion is…amusing.”

Susan chuckled. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“So you fear him leaving you. Breaking your heart.”

“Well. Yeah. Cliché or not, I still feel that way. I don’t think it’s a wholly unreasonable concern.”

Dr. Tannen regarded her for a long moment. “No. It’s not an unreasonable concern. All romantic relationships—all relationships—have the possibility of ending. But the question is—”

“The question is,” Susan interrupted, “Am I going to let that fear of an unknown future destroy my chance for happiness in the present.”

Dr. Tannen nodded. “Not exactly what I was going to say, but, yes.”

Susan sighed. “I know it’s irrational. I know I shouldn’t let fear control me like this. But I still feel afraid.”

“I’m not asking you to not feel afraid. I’m asking you to try and balance that fear against the potential rewards. Act _despite_ the fear, not freeze because of it. Yes, you might get hurt. He might hurt you terribly. But what rewards might you gain by taking the risk, by opening up and reaching out? Unless you plan to live in a hermitage, you will have pain in your life. The question is, what wonderful times can you have in addition? What you might gain from this relationship, even if it only lasts for a few years?”

Susan frowned. “Like what?”

“Well… Let me ask you this. If your relationship with Elliot were to end today”—

Susan’s stomach clenched at that hypothetical.

—“Would you regret all the time you’ve spent with him thus far? Would you count that as time wasted, because the relationship didn’t last forever?”

“No,” Susan answered promptly. “Of course not.”

“Well, then.”

Susan closed her eyes and sighed. “I get what you’re saying. It’s just…” She trailed off, shaking her head silently.

“Fear is a strong deterrent. I understand that. What I’m suggesting to you is, you shouldn’t let it _rule_ you. Take its warnings under consideration, yes. But don’t let it be the only emotion having a voice in shaping your future. Perhaps also listen to your hopes.”

Susan opened her eyes. “Yeah,” she said softly. “That’s a nice ideal. If only I knew how to do it.”

“You just have to act against the fear.”

“ _Just,”_ Susan snorted.

“Yes. I won’t say it’s easy, but it is simple.”

“Eh…” Susan brushed her hair back behind her ear.

Dr. Tannen smiled at her. “Let me ask you something. If I could somehow, magically, guarantee you that your relationship with Elliot would last exactly as long as you wanted it to, even forever if that was your desire, would you actively pursue a deeper, more intimate relationship with him?”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t even have to think about that answer.”

Susan blushed. “No…I guess I didn’t.”

“So…that is what you would do if you weren’t letting fear rule you?”

“Yeah…I guess so…”

“From all you’ve told me, he sounds like a good person. A worthy candidate for a partner, or lover. A genuinely decent human being.”

“Well, yeah. If he wasn’t such a nice guy, it wouldn’t have been so easy to fall in love with him.”

Dr. Tannen didn’t even react to that statement, he just let it hang in the air, watching her with his usual placid expression.

“Ah, _frak._ Did I just say that?” She buried her face in her hands.

“I believe so, yes.”

Dr. Tannen gave Susan a few moments to collect her thoughts. She heard the flutter of wings, and felt Little Suze land on her knee. She opened her eyes to see the little fairy doll looking up at her. It was smiling broadly at her, looking joyful, and nodding its head. Susan was for the most part used to seeing her own face on the diminutive doll, but seeing it with such a joyous, happy expression when she was feeling so out of sorts was somewhat unsettling.

“Et tu, brat?” Susan muttered. “Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s about time.” Little Suze gave her a firmer nod, then it flew off back to the doll house. Susan rolled her eyes and faced Dr. Tannen again. “All right, yes, I said that. I’m not sure if it’s really meaningful, though, if he doesn’t return the feeling.”

“Of course it’s meaningful. Having the feeling returned would be optimal, but it doesn’t alter the validity of your feelings.”

“Feh. I don’t even know if I’ve got the right to use that phrase anyway.”

“Which phrase?”

“‘In love.’ What does that even _mean?_ I can’t be sure that what I’m feeling isn’t just infatuation, or lust, or some combination thereof.”

Dr. Tannen shrugged. “To the limited extent that defining the term is possible, from my observations, being ‘in love’ means that another person’s happiness and well-being is essential to your own happiness. That you can’t be happy if they’re miserable. And conversely, their happiness brings you joy.”

Susan blinked. “Okay. Wow. That’s…that actually sounds pretty good.” She frowned and thought for a moment. “I’m not sure I’d say his happiness is _essential_ to my own, but…if he was unhappy, I’d want to try and fix it. Help him feel better. For what it’s worth.”

“I suspect that would be worth a lot, to Elliot.”

Susan flushed and looked down. “I hope.”

“What is your ultimate objective?”

“Pardon?”

“What would you like to accomplish with this friendship? This relationship? Whatever form it ultimately takes.”

Susan frowned. “It’s not about _accomplishments_ , per se. That sounds…mercenary. Like I only value him for what he can offer me.”

“That’s true of all relationships, to one extent or another. But in healthy relationships, it goes both ways. You both offer to each other something of value. Companionship. Conversation. Shared interests and hobbies. Physical intimacy. Intellectual stimulation. Emotional support. Encouragement. Growth.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Susan stared at the painting behind Dr. Tannen for a moment, gathering her thoughts. “Those all sound like worthwhile objectives. Hell, aside from the physical intimacy, I think we already have all of those components in our friendship, to one degree or another. He’s a good friend.” She frowned. “Though, thinking about it, it feels…unbalanced.”

“How so?”

Susan shrugged uncomfortably. “I mean…I think he offers _me_ more support and encouragement than I offer _him_. I worry that I’m taking more than I give.”

“Maybe, maybe not. You might not be the most objective observer of that. Do you think _Elliot_ would say that he doesn’t get support and encouragement from you?”

“Well…maybe not. No.”

“Perhaps you should simply ask him.”

Susan gave a disbelieving laugh. “Ask him _what?_ ‘Hey, Elliot, am I an emotional leech, feeding off of you like I fear I am?’”

Dr. Tannen cocked his head and frowned. “Do you really fear being an ‘emotional leech?’”

“Yeah—no—I don’t know. Not really, but…kinda?” Susan rubbed her face in her hands for a moment, then brushed her hair back. “Realistically, intellectually, no, I don’t. Emotionally—well, yeah. That’s part of what I’m afraid of.”

“It sounds as if you’re afraid of hurting him, not of being hurt by him.”

“Oh, I’m convoluted enough to be afraid of both things at once. ‘I am large, I contain multitudes.’”

Dr. Tannen smiled briefly at the quote. “Indeed.” He shifted in his chair, leaning forward a little, signs Susan recognized as being a prelude to closing up their session. “So. I don’t know if you are going to see Elliot any time soon—”

Susan cut him off with a laugh. “We’re having dinner together tomorrow night. To discuss…things. Our relationship. Whatever it might be.”

“Ah. Well, I wish you the best of luck with that.”

“I’m going to need it.”

“I don’t think so. As long as you can prevent fear from ruling your choices, I think you’ll do fine.”

Susan sighed as she opened her bag, and summoned Little Suze to it. “Gods, I hope so.”

“If not, you have my number. I have a few openings in my schedule early next week if you wish to meet sooner.”

Susan laughed. “Do you do couples’ counseling?” She stood up, preparing to leave.

Dr. Tannen smiled. “Not formally, no. Although I would not object to your bringing Elliot along to a session or two, if you think that could be useful for you. For you both.”

“Oh.” Susan paused, startled. “I’d…been joking. Mostly.”

Dr. Tannen shrugged. “Be that as it may. The offer stands.”

“Thanks.”

“So unless I hear from you otherwise, I’ll see you next week at this same time?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Dr. Tannen.”

“Have a good week. And a pleasant dinner, tomorrow.”

Susan repressed a groan. “I’ll try.”

As she headed out to her car, she thought about the upcoming dinner. _I **will** try. I won’t run out on _**_this_** _one,_ she firmly told herself. _I won’t let the fear win. He’s not a monster. Like Sarah said—he’s worth the effort._ She grimaced as she got into her car and started it up. _I just hope he feels the same way about me…_

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With many thanks to Zee McZed for beta-reading & suggestions.

Susan was impressed that Elliot had, in fact, managed to not ask her about the status of their relationship all week long. Even on Friday, after her meeting with Dr. Tannen, he avoided the subject until near the end of lunch time. Once again, he waited until they were carrying their lunch trays over to the tray return.

“So, are we still on for dinner tonight?” His tone of voice sounded like he was striving to sound casual, and failing.

Susan’s heart rate jumped, even though she’d been expecting a question like that all day. “Yes. Of course. If you still want to, I mean.”

The look he gave her told her how silly that last sentence had been.

“Right. So, can I pick you up at around six?” he asked.

“Sure. Where are we going?”

He grinned. “The White Chocolate Grill. I have a reservation for six-thirty.”

“What?” Susan had expected a burger joint or another pizzeria. Not an upscale nouvelle American restaurant renowned for its decadent desserts.

“I mean, if that’s okay with you?” he asked, suddenly looking uncertain. “You _did_ ask me to pick a place.”

“Um. Yes, of course it’s okay. I was just…surprised.” She smiled. “Pleasantly surprised. I’m glad I asked, so I know to wear something a little nicer than jeans.”

“Oh.” Elliot blinked. “Right. Clothing. I didn’t think of that.”

Susan suppressed a nervous giggle. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure black tie isn’t required.”

“That’s good, ‘cause my only tie is blue.” Susan shot him an incredulous look, and was relieved to see he was suppressing a smile. She laughed, and he joined her.

“So, I’ll pick you up six-ish,” Elliot confirmed as the end-of-lunch bell rang.

Susan smiled and nodded. “Yeah.” She wondered if her elevated pulse, pounding in her ears, was externally obvious.

“Great. See you then.” He flashed her a grin— _Oh, that grin,_ Susan thought, her stomach fluttering—and he headed off to class.

Susan picked up her backpack, and looked up to find Sarah and Ashley waiting for her.

“So, give. Are you going out tonight?” Ashley asked.

“And where’s he taking you?” Sarah added.

Susan frowned. “We’re not ‘going out.’ It’s not a date or anything. It’s just dinner. At the White Chocolate Grill.”

Sarah and Ashley exchanged incredulous looks.

“Not a date,” said Ashley flatly. “At a restaurant where ‘chocolate orgasm’ is a dessert option.”

“It _is?”_ Susan asked, turning red. “I mean…that’s irrelevant. We’re just going there to talk.”

“About your relationship,” said Sarah.

“Well…yeah. So?”

Ashley and Sarah exchanged another look, and they both shook their heads. “Right,” sighed Sarah, apparently deciding to not push the point. “Well, we’d better get to class.”

The three of them headed out, all of them going the same direction for the first little while. “It’s _not_ a date,” Susan muttered sotto voce.

Ashley snorted. “Yes, dear,” she said sweetly. Susan scowled at her retreating back as Ashley turned down a side corridor to her next class, her ponytail bouncing in time with her steps.

“See you next period,” Sarah said as they parted ways at the next hall juncture.

“See you.”

 _It’s not a date._ Susan reiterated to herself.

_Is it?_

 

* * *

 

Susan had always hated the stereotyped cinematic montage of a woman preparing for a date by emptying her closet looking for the “perfect” outfit. So when she found herself facing a pile of clothes on her bed, all outfits she’d pulled out and rejected, she was doubly annoyed with herself. Granted, it was only about a dozen different outfits, not everything she owned, but that was still about ten more than she’d wanted to try on.

“Get a grip, woman,” she muttered to herself. “It’s just Elliot. He knows what you look like. Just…put on something. _Anything_.” Given that she was currently glaring at her bed while dressed in nothing but pink panties and black socks, that wasn’t a totally unreasonable objective.

She plopped down in her desk chair and rubbed her face tiredly. _It’s a nice restaurant. I don’t want to look shabby or out of place. But I don’t want to look_ ** _too_** _nice, or Elliot might be uncomfortable because he’s not as nicely dressed. But if it’s not a date, it doesn’t really matter if we “match” in formality, we’re just…friends. Meeting to talk. And eat._ She grimaced. _Eat chocolate orgasms._ She wished Ashley hadn’t mentioned that particular dessert. It conjured up…perturbing mental images.

“Frak!” she growled. She stared at her bed for a moment longer, then sighed. “Suze?” she called. She didn’t _need_ to verbalize to summon the fairy doll. It was connected to her; when animated, it was basically a part of her. But it felt more polite to ask.

Little Suze _popped_ into existence, and hovered in the air in front of her. Susan regarded the fairy doll for a moment, not quite sure she wanted to do this, but then she groaned and waved at the pile of clothes on her bed. “Pick me an outfit,” she said.

The fairy doll grinned wide, did a loop-the-loop in front of her, and dove into the stack of clothing. Susan bit her lip as she watched the doll burrow enthusiastically through the clothes, surfacing a moment later with the sleeve of a blouse in one hand and a jacket sleeve in the other. Susan stood up and pulled the proffered items out of the pile.

“Really? These, together?” she asked the doll. Little Suze nodded. The blouse was dark blue, silky and shimmery, with an asymmetric contrasting floral pattern on it. She’d rejected it earlier as being just too much, a bit too colorful and loud, but…paired with the simple black jacket over it, covering a lot of the color to mute it a little…yeah, that might work.

She put on a dark blue bra and slipped on the blouse, then pulled the jacket on over it. She pulled her hair back out of the way and looked at herself in the mirror. Little Suze was hovering at her shoulder, beaming at her in the reflection. “Huh. You’ve got pretty good taste, brat,” she said to the doll. Little Suze did a shimmy of delight, then flew back to the bed and tugged at a black pair of slacks.

“Slacks, not a skirt?” she asked the doll. Little Suze nodded again. Susan pulled on the slacks, looked in the mirror, and also nodded. “Right again. Damn, we’re good.”

Little Suze grinned. Susan glanced at the doll. “I don’t suppose you can put all these clothes away for me?” she asked, only partially joking.

Little Suze flew over to the bed, and picked up a hanger. It tried to fly up, but it only got about half of the skirt on the hanger lifted before falling back to the bed. It looked at Susan, an embarrassed expression on its tiny mirror of her face.

Susan sighed. “Right. I suppose that was too much to hope for. But thanks for your help.” She briefly considered summoning her other fairy dolls to assist; surely they could lift the clothes if they worked in tandem. But the mental effort required to coordinate that many dolls at once was probably more work than it was worth. Easier to just hang up the clothes.

Once she’d returned her clothing to her closet and dresser, she brushed out her hair and regarded herself in the mirror. She looked good, she had to admit. Then Little Suze flew up to her, holding a necklace in its hands.

“Jewelry?” Susan asked. Little Suze nodded, and held out its selection. It was a silver pendant with a brilliant blue stone in the center. It was an abstract rounded triangular shape. Its curves reminded Susan of the Starfleet insignia, which was why she’d bought it in the first place.

She took the piece from Suze and regarded it for a moment, then shrugged. “Sure. Why not.” She fastened it around her neck and looked at herself again. The blue stone went well with her eyes. It didn’t hang too low, so she didn’t need to reveal too much cleavage, of what little she had. She stared at herself, trying to imagine how Elliot would see her, then she shook her head and looked away. “Okay. Enough. I’m done. One way or another.”

Little Suze gave her a double thumbs-up, and flew up to a bookshelf to sit on Mister Snuffles, an elephant-head shaped pillow. “Thanks, brat,” Susan said again as she left the room.

Her mother looked up at her as she entered the living room, and smiled. “You look nice, dear. What’s the occasion?”

Susan flushed. She’d hoped she could avoid discussing this with her mother. “Nothing special. I’m just going out to grab a bite to eat with Elliot.” She tried to make it sound as casual and matter-of-course as she could.

But apparently her outfit and her blush defeated that effort, and her mother arched an eyebrow at her. “‘Just?’” she echoed. “It doesn’t look like you’re dressed for Five Guys. Or are you going somewhere nicer, afterwards? The theater, maybe?”

“No. Nowhere else.” Susan tried to keep a straight face. “Just the White Chocolate Grill.”

Her mother looked surprised. “That _is_ a step up from burgers. Well, at least you’re dressed appropriately.”

“I am?” Susan asked, feeling a little relieved at that assessment.

“Yes…” Her mother cocked her head. “Is this a date?”

“No!” _We haven’t decided to start dating yet._ “It’s just Elliot. I asked him to pick a place for dinner, and that’s what he chose. We have some…stuff…about our review show…that we need to discuss.” Well, stuff that had come up while doing the review show, so that wasn’t a total lie. Sort of.

“Hmm.” While her mother didn’t exactly _like_ Elliot, she was less annoyed by him than she was by most other males. _It’s really too bad she can’t know how much time Elliot spends as a woman. It might improve her opinion of him. Her. Them._ She almost laughed as she recalled Elliot making a similar observation last Monday.

“Not a date,” her mother said dubiously. “That’s why you look as cool and collected as a rabbit at a golden retriever show.”

_“What?”_

Her mother shook her head, smiling sadly. “I never imagined you’d _never_ date, angel.”

“I told you—” Susan jumped as the doorbell rang.

 _What the hell?_ Why was he coming to the door? He usually just sent a text that he’d arrived when picking her up, and she went out to his car. She glanced at her phone—no missed texts, and it was one minute before six. She took a deep breath, and went to answer the door. She opened it, and stopped cold.

 _Well, at least we match in formality,_ she thought numbly. _Also…wow._

She hadn’t realized she’d said that last word out loud until Elliot smiled nervously at her. “Wow? Is that a good thing?”

“Um. Yeah. You look nice.” She was so used to seeing him in nothing but jeans and a t-shirt or work shirt that he’d caught her off-guard. But he looked sharp, in crisp khaki slacks and a casual sports coat, and a blue button-down shirt. His tie, she noted, _was_ in fact blue. “Real nice.”

“You look nice too,” he said, his smile becoming less nervous and more genuine.

“Thanks.” Something about his tie caught her attention, and she peered more closely at it. It was a dark blue background with lighter blue lines criss-crossing it, almost like blueprints—

She laughed. “I love your tie.”

Elliot chuckled. “I wondered how long it would take you to notice. That was about fifteen seconds, I think.” He lifted it up so she could see it more clearly. It was covered in schematic line-drawings of the _USS Enterprise,_ from multiple angles. “I like your necklace, too.”

She smiled back at him, and relaxed a bit. _It’s still just Elliot_ , she reminded herself. _Even if he does clean up nice._

“You ready to go?” Elliot asked.

“Yeah, just let me grab my coat and purse.” She turned around, and almost bumped into her mother, who had followed her to the door.

“Sorry, dear,” her mother said mildly. “Hello, Elliot.”

“Good evening, Mrs. Pompoms,” said Elliot, some of the nervousness returning to his voice.

Susan snagged her purse off the couch and returned to the door as quickly as she could.

“I hear you’re going to the White Chocolate Grill?” her mother asked Elliot.

“Um. Yes. We’ve got a six-thirty reservation.”

Mrs. Pompoms smiled. “Well, then, I won’t keep you. Have a nice evening, dear,” she said to Susan, giving her a peck on the cheek.

“You too, mother,” Susan replied on autopilot. She pulled on her coat and followed Elliot out the door, and breathed a small sigh of relief as the door closed behind them.

“Well. That wasn’t too scary or anything,” Elliot observed.

Susan snorted. “Once again, you’ve encountered my mother, and emerged with your manhood intact.”

“I think she’s warming up to me,” he said, sounding only slightly dubious.

Susan laughed. “Warming up the torches?”

He chuckled as they got into his car. “Well, she didn’t threaten me with death and dismemberment if I didn’t bring you back before midnight with your virtue intact.”

Susan blushed. “My ‘virtue’ is _my_ concern, not hers,” she mock-scolded him.

“Of course it is. I was just thinking in a mother’s terms.”

“Right.”

As Elliot started the car and headed out, he asked, “Guess what arrived in the new releases shipment at work yesterday. A hundred copies, in fact.”

Since Susan processed most of the ordering, she knew most everything coming in, but she didn’t know which one had caught his eye. “What?”

“ _Frozen.”_ He grinned and glanced quickly at her out of the corner of his eye.

Susan laughed. “You want to review it? I don’t think there’s anyone who hasn’t seen it yet.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but that could make it even more fun, in its own way. We can assume our viewers already know the film, so we don’t have to explain everything as we go, really.”

“True…”

He cleared his throat. “And besides…I just really like it,” he admitted.

Susan smiled at her film review partner. “You softy. All right. Let’s work it into our schedule.”

They talked about their review show the rest of the way to the restaurant, by unspoken agreement saving the more heavy emotional issues for the dinner table. Susan felt herself relax as they talked, reminded all over again of what she liked about Elliot.

The restaurant was lovely, decorated in warm red wood tones and dimly lit. It was, dare she say it, a romantic looking place. They were seated right away, and Susan was glad Elliot had booked a reservation, because even this early in the evening it was quite full.

As they settled in and opened their menus, Elliot said, “Since I chose this place, and it’s a bit more expensive than our usual, it’s my treat tonight.”

Susan frowned. “We always split the bill. I don’t mind.”

“Yeah, but you probably weren’t expecting this level when you asked me to pick a place.”

“Well, no. But this is a lot nicer than Five Guys. I’m happy with your choice, and I’m happy to pay my share.”

Elliot sighed. “Okay. Let me try this. Would you _please_ let me pay for dinner tonight?” He gave her a beseeching look.

Susan cocked her head and regarded him, puzzled. “Why? I mean, I work at the same place you do, you know I can afford it just as well as you can.” If not more so, honestly, given her mother’s income, but that wasn’t a topic for right now.

“Yeah, but…” He tipped his head back and stared at the ceiling for a moment, then looked at her and said, “We’re here to discuss, among other things, whether or not to start dating. So, depending upon how things go, this either might be our first date, our first of many; or it might be our one and only, our first and last date. Either way…would you let me treat you? It’s not…it’s not just sexist tradition, I don’t think I should be buying because I’m the guy—”

“At the moment,” Susan murmured, a small smile on her face.

Elliot snorted. “True. But…I _want_ to do this. Please?”

Susan considered the notion, that _he_ thought this was a date. Their first, or their first, last, and only date—then nodded slowly. “All right. Thank you. But next time, I’m buying. Whether it’s a date or not.”

Elliot smiled. “Agreed. Thanks.”

They settled in to peruse the menu, and negotiated a shared appetizer, shrimp cocktail. Susan was amused to see that the restaurant offered hamburgers in addition to fancier fare, though at significantly higher prices than their usual hangouts. Elliot surprised her by ordering something other than a burger, chicken enchiladas. She ordered the trout, and then they were left without menus to distract them as they waited for their food.

When they’d both returned from washing their hands, Elliot cleared his throat. “So. You said you wanted to wait to talk until after you’d talked with your, um, doctor yesterday.”

“My therapist, yes.”

“So…how was your appointment?” He flashed her a nervous smile. “Did you…did you talk about us? About…me?”

Susan took a deep breath. _I will not run away_ , she reminded herself. She had to suppress a nervous giggle as a line from _Dune_ popped to mind. _Fear is the mind-killer._ “Oh, yes. Rather. At length.”

“Oh…” He looked a little intimidated. “Was it helpful?”

Susan nodded. “Yes.”

He looked at her, as if waiting for her to expand upon that, then he asked, “Is this an okay time to talk about this? I mean, would you rather wait?”

Susan considered it, then shook her head. “No, now is fine. Sorry if I’m not being very loquacious. I’m just nervous.”

“I don’t see how you could be.”

“What?”

“I think I’ve already used up all the nervousness in the room.”

Susan arched an eyebrow at him, and he conceded, “Okay, yeah, that sounded funnier in my head.”

Susan chuckled. “Rest assured, there’re plenty of nerves to go around.” She realized she was nervously clenching her napkin in her lap, and she let go of it and folded her hands on the top of the table in front of her. “But…one thing I got out of my appointment yesterday was a resolution. I won’t run away.” She smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry about last weekend. I let my nerves—my _fear_ —get the best of me. I’ll try not to—I _won’t—_ do that this time.”

"That’s all right. I know this is all new and scary to you. Heck, it’s scary for _me_. But I’m glad you plan to stick this meal out."

“Of course, the fact that I don’t have my car here certainly helps.”

Elliot chuckled. “Hah, you’ve discovered my nefarious plan.”

“Your plan?”

“To keep you here to talk things out.”

“Yeah.” She smiled back at him. “But that works both ways, you know. _You_ are trapped here with _me_ , too.”

“Curses. Foiled again.”

Susan laughed, and felt herself relax somewhat. “Okay. So, yes, we talked. About you. About…us. We discussed lots of things.”

Elliot swallowed and asked nervously, “Oh. Did you tell him about…last Friday?”

Susan smiled. “Oh, yes, that was the starting point.”

“Hoo boy. Ah…do I want to know what he said?”

“He said, ‘That sounds nice.’”

Elliot blinked. “Nice? He said it sounded _nice?_ ”

“Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction, too.”

Elliot shook his head. “Well, it’s not that I’m _disagreeing_ or anything, it just seems like…an underwhelming response? An understatement?”

“He’s very low key and understated,” Susan agreed. “He leaves all the high-energy emotional stuff to me. Me and Little Suze.”

“You bring your fairy doll to your therapy sessions?”

“Yeah. Since it’s basically a direct link to my subconscious, it sometimes provides…useful insights for Dr. Tannen.” She thought a moment, then added, “And for me, too.”

“Huh. Like what? Or how?”

“Um…” Susan felt he face reddening. “Let’s just say, if there’s something that I’m avoiding because it’s embarrassing or emotionally difficult…Little Suze will probably find a way to bring it up.”

“Heh. Sounds handy.”

“Yeah, when it’s not terminally embarrassing. Or maybe especially when it is.”

“I’ll have to keep that aspect of her in mind for the future. A pity she couldn’t come to dinner with us.”

“Hmph. Only if Ellen came along too, to provide a similar service for you.”

Elliot turned bright red, then he burst out laughing. “Touché. All right, let’s keep it just between us, for now.”

“Sounds good.”

“So, did you have any Earth-shaking revelations? Or even just helpful tips?”

 _Well, I realized I might be in love with you_ , Susan thought, but did not say. _But that might be a topic for later in the conversation. If at all._ She was pretty sure that it was just common sense, not fear, that made her not want to open with that particular bombshell. Not _solely_ fear, anyway. She sighed. “I don’t know about Earth-shaking, but…yeah. He did help me figure a few things out.” She regarded Elliot for a moment, then asked, “Do you mind if I ask you a question he asked me?”

Elliot suddenly looked nervous, but he nodded. “Sure.”

“What’s your biggest concern, or worry, about…the possibility of us. Us being in a relationship. I mean, a more intimate relationship.” She blushed. “You know. Dating.”

Elliot looked surprised. “Huh. That’s an interesting question.”

Susan noticed the approaching server, and said, “Well, you can think about it over shrimp, because here comes our appetizer.”

The plate of shrimp was placed between them, along with individual serving plates and a basket of bread. Susan was pleased to see that the shrimp had a bare minimum of shell and tail on them, meaning she could easily eat them with fork and knife. Elliot spooned some sauce onto his plate, then picked a shrimp up by the tail, dunked it into the sauce, and took a bite. He chewed for a moment, then his eyes went wide and he grabbed for his glass of water.

Susan watched him, concerned as he gulped and coughed. “Are you okay?”

He nodded, took a deep breath, then took another gulp of water. “Spicy,” he gasped.

Susan nodded, “Well, yeah, it comes with jalapeño cocktail sauce. I assume that’s spicier than your average cocktail sauce.”

“Oh.” He coughed. “I, uh, missed that part of the description.” He picked up a piece of bread and took a bite, apparently trying to soak up the spicy oils in his mouth. He swallowed and said, “Actually, I stopped reading at ‘Shrimp Cocktail.’ I guess I should have read more.”

Susan laughed, and dunked a bite of shrimp into the sauce. She took a cautious nibble, and then a larger bite. It certainly had more zing than a normal cocktail sauce, but it wasn’t unbearable. “Tastes pretty good to me,” she said.

Elliot shrugged and looked embarrassed. “I guess I’m just not used to that much spice.”

“Well, you certainly shouldn’t eat anything you don’t enjoy,” Susan said, as she took another bite.

Elliot picked up another shrimp, and eyed it as if contemplating eating it without sauce, then he gingerly dipped it, just barely touching the surface of the sauce. “Maybe in moderation,” he said, taking a nervous bite. He smiled in apparent relief after chewing for a moment. “Yeah, that’s the ticket.”

“So I’m guessing you also missed the mention of Ghost Peppers in the chicken enchiladas description?” Susan asked.

Elliot’s eyes went wide with horror, and Susan started giggling. After a moment, he joined her, his expression a mixture of embarrassment and relief. “You got me,” he said.

“I wonder…” Susan looked around to see if anyone was nearby, and leaned in closer to Elliot. “I wonder if Cheerleadra’s invulnerability extends to immunity to spicy foods?”

Elliot laughed. “You know, I think that might be about the only thing Tedd _hasn’t_ tested on me.” He looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, “Not sure I really want to find out. What if it doesn’t?”

They finished their shrimp in companionable silence, Elliot taking incrementally larger dabs of sauce with each bite.

The server arrived to clear their empty appetizer plates. “Everything good so far?” he asked.

“Yeah, we’re good,” said Elliot, as Susan nodded.

“Excellent. Your entrées will be out in a few minutes.”

“Thanks,” said Susan.

The table cleared once again of distractions, Susan said, “So, I know the shrimp sauce didn’t leave you much time for contemplation, but…”

Elliot nodded. “Yeah. I think…there are two answers to your question. Mainly, I worry about hurting you. Pushing you into doing something you don’t want. I don’t want to be a cause of pain.”

Susan felt a pang of shame. _I’m worried about myself getting hurt, and his first worry is for me._ She tried not to let her reaction show, not wanting to interrupt him. “Thank you,” she said softly. “And what’s the other answer?”

He gave her an embarrassed smile. “It’s more selfish, but…I don’t want you to not be a part of my life. I don’t want to chase you away.”

Susan shook her head. “That’s not selfish. I don’t want to lose your friendship either. That was my first answer to Dr. Tannen.”

Elliot looked thoughtful. “Implying that you had a second answer, too? Or more?”

Susan flushed and looked at the table. “ _My_ second answer was more selfish.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

She glanced up at him. “I’m perfectly capable of being selfish, you know.”

“Oh, no, you’re human?” He smiled. “I certainly hope so.”

Susan snorted. “My second answer was…I’m afraid of a broken heart.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “When— _if_ —you leave me.”

Elliot’s smile faded, and he regarded her seriously. “Okay…I’m not sure how to respond to that. I mean…I don’t want to hurt you, either. But…” He stared into the distance for a moment, looking thoughtful, before bringing his attention back to Susan. “Two things. One…I’m not sure if our first date is the right time to be planning our breakup.”

“ _Is_ this a date?” Susan interrupted. “I thought we were just going out for a meal to discuss whether or not to _start_ dating.”

Elliot looked embarrassed. “Well, yeah, but…I’m sorry. I guess I’ve just been thinking about it as if it was a date. I mean…” He waved a hand at the restaurant, with its romantic atmosphere. “But I can call it something else if it makes you feel better.”

“But you’d still be _thinking_ of it as a date.”

“Well…yeah.” He gave a little shrug.

Susan sighed. “Okay. Fine. It’s a date. Our first date. _My_ first date ever.” She could feel her heart thumping with that admission. She laughed. “And I didn’t even know it until halfway through.”

“No matter where this goes…” he bit his lip, then smiled and plowed on. “I’m glad I got to be your first.”

Susan blushed and smiled. “Yeah, well, we seem to be racking up several ‘firsts’ together.” She had a sudden, vivid memory of Elliot naked and masturbating, which just made her blush worse.

Elliot blushed too, and Susan wondered if he was thinking something similar. But she didn’t wonder enough to ask. “You said two things?”

“What?”

“You said you had two thing in response to my saying I…to what I was afraid of.”

“Oh. Right. Um…” He shook his head, as if dispelling a thought, and said, “I can’t predict the future. I can’t say for certain that we’d never break up. Heck, when I was dating Nanase or Sarah, I thought it was long-term. Forever. I think…” He frowned. “I think…even though breaking up is always possible…the only fair way to go into a relationship is whole-heartedly. Trying to make it work forever. Even though you know it might not be forever. It seems to me, if I was always second-guessing things, waiting for the breakup to come, that would just be a way to _guarantee_ that it comes.” He blew out a breath, looking a little tired.

Susan stared at him for a long moment. “I know you joke that Ellen is the introspective one of you two, but…that was remarkably insightful.”

Elliot rolled his eyes. “Well, it’s possible I’ve talked some about all this with Ellen over the course of the last week. You’ve got your Dr. Tannen, I’ve got my annoyingly insightful clone sister.”

Susan laughed. “Well, it’s good to know you have supports too.”

“Yeah.”

“Your trout,” said the server, sliding a plate in front of Susan. “And your enchiladas,” as he served Elliot. “Do you need anything else?”

“Not right now, thanks,” said Susan. The server nodded and withdrew.

They dug into their meals, silent for a moment as they began to eat. After a minute, Susan realized that Elliot was watching her instead of eating. She looked up at him. “What?” she asked, feeling a little flustered.

He smiled. “Sorry, I just…I’ve never seen anyone de-bone a fish so neatly. I’m usually left picking bones out of my teeth for the whole meal. You look like you got the whole skeleton in one go.”

“Oh. Um, it’s not that difficult. It just takes practice, I guess. Start at the tail and work your way up.”

“Okay. I’ll remember that next time.” He began cutting into his meal. “At least enchiladas don’t have bones.”

“Enchiladas and bananas,” Susan said, the non sequitur just popping into her brain.

Elliot laughed. “ _I like bananas, ‘cause bananas got no bones,_ ” he sang softly.

Susan was startled. “You’ve got a nice voice. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you sing, outside of karaoke at Tedd’s. And you weren’t, ah, a tenor at the time.”

Elliot chuckled. “More of an alto-soprano, then. And not very good at it.”

“But you looked cute in that school uniform.”

“I did? I thought you hated those uniforms.”

“Well, yeah, but not because they looked bad. More because of the inherent sexism in dictating that all girls _must_ wear skirts.”

“Ah.” He looked thoughtful for a few bites, then said, “I don’t think you realize just how much it means to me that you accept me as I am.”

“Pardon? What do you mean?”

“I mean…” He looked around the restaurant, then lowered his voice. “Saying I was cute in a skirt. The fact that I have to change sexes sometimes. Or that occasionally weird things happen that require me to…to act the part of a superhero. Heroine.”

“You’re not acting a part—you _are_ a hero.”

Elliot waved that aside, blushing. “Whatever. But you…you don’t mind it. When I was required to change sexes frequently because of magical energy buildups, you never even blinked. You just accepted it, accepted me.”

“Well…yeah. Of course.” Susan was puzzled. “You’re still you, male or female.” Her mouth twitched in a little grin. “Though I could make a few suggestions for some costume changes for Cheerleadra.”

Elliot laughed. “You’re not the only one. But, see, you say ‘of course,’ but I don’t think everyone would. My life is _weird_ , Susan. Maybe not as weird as Tedd’s, but it’s close. And you’ve never said ‘boo’ about the weirdness.”

“Well…” Susan floundered, not sure how to respond. “Yeah. It’s not like you went out and sought out the weirdness. And it’s not like the weirdness is all awful. I mean, you _are_ an incredibly sexy woman. When a woman, I mean.”

“I am?”

“Well. Yeah. Of course you are. You’re hot no matter what form you’re in.”

“Hot.”

Susan rolled her eyes. “I _know_ you know I think you’re hot,” she muttered. “From last Friday, if nothing else.”

Elliot chuckled. “That doesn’t mean I don’t like to hear it. From time to time. And for the record, _you’re_ the hottest woman I know.”

Susan couldn’t recall the last time she’d blushed so hard. Well, actually, she could—last Friday, but she’d been naked at the time. “That can’t be true,” she protested weakly. “You’ve dated Nanase. And Sarah. And they’re both—”

“They’re both lovely women, and, yes, sexy, but they can’t hold a candle to you.” He grinned. “Admittedly, my opinion might be biased by how I feel about you. But still.”

“Oh? And how…” The words got stuck in her throat. _No fear._ She cleared her throat and tried again. “And how is it that you…feel about me?”

Elliot put down his knife and fork and stared at her without saying anything. “Do you really want to know?” he finally asked quietly.

Susan bit her lip. He was being awfully serious. “Y-yes?”

He picked up his water glass and took a sip. Setting the glass down, he stared into her eyes. “You’re my friend. One of my best friends. Certainly my best female friend, or at least you are on the days that Tedd is male.”

Susan snickered at that, then asked, “Your best female friend isn’t…Sarah?”

Elliot shook his head. “She’s certainly one of my _oldest_ friends, and _one of_ my best female friends, but…in the months since we broke up, we’ve drifted apart a bit. Reasonably enough, I guess. And…I feel like at the same time, you and I have grown closer.” He stared intently, searchingly into her eyes. “Don’t you feel the same way?” There were notes of nervousness and hope in his question.

Susan stared at him, wondering how this came to be. Sitting here, discussing her feelings. With the subject of her own affections.

She’d tried so hard, for so long, to repress her attraction to Elliot. Knowing that she was too messed up for him, for _anyone_ , to want to date. Knowing he deserved better. Knowing she couldn’t touch him the way he’d probably want her to. The way _she_ would want to.

As her silence stretched on, Elliot grew more nervous looking. _Say something, dammit_ , Susan berated herself. _Tell him! Now! This is your chance!_

Susan took a deep breath. “Yes,” she said quietly. “We’ve grown closer. But…” She bit her lip.

Elliot looked momentarily relieved at her “yes,” then concerned at her caveat. “But?” he asked.

Susan shook her head. “I’m just so damn…messed up. Neurotic. Why would you _want_ anything to do with me? With a girlfriend who has difficulties touching you?” _Oh, fuck, did I just say “girlfriend” out loud?_

Elliot blinked, as if startled by her word choice too, then he smiled at her. “You think I don’t know that about you? But I also know you’re working to overcome your problems. I’ve _seen_ you changing, even in the time that I’ve known you. One small step at a time.”

Susan snorted. “Small steps? More like baby steps.”

“And babies grow up to be runners. I’m comfortable waiting. For you. Willing to help you, however I can. Susan…” He closed his eyes for a long moment, as if marshaling his thoughts. Susan just stared at him, nervousness making coherent thought difficult as she waited for him to speak again.

He opened his eyes. He looked serious again. “How do I feel about you? I…I like you. A _lot_. I like spending time with you. I’d like to spend _more_ time with you. I find myself thinking about you at odd times of the day, thinking, ‘Hey, I bet Susan would like this,’ or, ‘I’ve gotta remember to tell Susan about that.’”

Susan nodded. She often had similar thoughts about Elliot.

“I think…we’re good together. We have fun together. More than one person has noted our chemistry in The Review Show comments. It’s not just my imagination, and it’s not just…not just hormones.”

“Though my hormones are in agreement, too,” Susan murmured.

Elliot chuckled. “Oh, yes.” He paused, as if getting his train of thought back on track, then reiterated, “I think we’re good together. And I think we could be even _better_ together. Everyone’s got issues. You have problems with touch, physical contact. _I_ turn into a woman periodically, and am almost pathologically indecisive at times. But I haven’t heard you complain about _those_ flaws as being impediments to…to us. Being…” He took a deep breath. “To us being together.” He swallowed nervously. “A couple.”

 _Oh…dear. He said it too._ She rubbed her face in her hands for a moment.

“I _am_ indecisive at times. But…this isn’t one of those times.”

“Oh,” said Susan quietly. She took a bite of her trout, not really tasting it, despite its excellent preparation.

Elliot continued, “I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I don’t want to hug, or kiss, or make out with you, until you want to, too.”

“I _want_ to,” Susan blurted out. “Oh, _gods_ , do I ever want to. But…”

“I know. You’re not ready for that. What I’m saying is, it’s the first half of your sentence that’s important. You _want_ to. It’s a goal. An objective. Something to work towards. As long as you’re willing to work towards that goal, I…I’m willing to wait for you to be ready.” He smiled again, that loving warm smile that melted her heart. “You’re more than worth waiting for.”

Susan bowed her head and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, trying to keep in the tears that were forming there.

“Susan?” She heard him shift slightly, as if uncomfortable. “Talk to me, please?”

She shook her head. “You’re too damn good for me,” she said softly.

“Nah. I’m not that good. I’m terminally indecisive, I leave the toilet seat up all the time, much to my own annoyance, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I fart in crowded elevators.”

Susan burst into nervous laughter. “You do not!” She looked up to see him grinning at her.

“Well, maybe not the elevators. But I’m no more perfect than you are. Don’t put me on a pedestal, or I’ll just disappoint you.”

Susan nodded, conceding the wisdom of that point.

“I’m nervous too,” he said softly. “I’ve only recently realized—or admitted to myself—how I felt about you.”

“How recently? How long have you been…attracted to me?”

Elliot waggled his head from side to side. “Eh…that’s kind of hard to say. I think…I was repressing my attraction to you because you’d said you had no interest in dating.”

“So, that makes two of us.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I guess. But…I first became _consciously_ aware of it when Ashley asked me if I was interested in you.”

“Ashley? When did she do that?”

“Right after I first met her.”

“Rather awkwardly.”

“Oh, yeah. But when she was warning me about Tom being a manipulative jerk, she asked me if I…if I _liked_ you. Emphasis on the ‘like.’ And…” He gave her an awkward grin. “I realized that I did. Like you. _Like_ -like you.”

“Oh. So, it’s only been a few weeks.”

“Yeah. And then you asked me if I wanted to review a porn video with you…”

Susan winced. “I’m sorry about that.”

Elliot rolled his eyes. “I’ve already told you, it’s nothing to apologize for.”

“And I told you—”

“Yes, yes, I know. But you know what? I’m _glad_ we watched that stupid video.” He stared at her, his expression earnest. “I mean, I know I can be slow to act, sometimes. Overly cautious. But I’m grateful that we got a kick-start from _something_ , even if it was an excess of fellatio.”

Susan laughed, startled. “It _was_ a bit of a sausage fest, wasn’t it? I find it depressing to contemplate that Starfleet officers might not know anything about cunnilingus.”

“Or even just kissing. Or caressing. Or nipple play. Stroking. Ear nibbling—” His voice was dropping lower and huskier as he spoke.

Susan shivered and cut him off. “Okay, _now_ you’re not playing fair.” Her face was flushed, but it wasn’t solely from embarrassment.

Elliot gave her a wide-eyed look that was pure innocence. “What?” Susan glared at him, and he cracked up.

Susan sighed and smiled. “I think we’ve already established our mutual…physical attraction.”

“In spades,” Elliot agreed. “So… Turnabout is fair play. How do _you_ …feel about me?”

Susan closed her eyes for a moment. “Dr. Tannen urged me to not let my actions be dictated solely by fear,” she said quietly. “Even though I am afraid. But he said…he said I should let my hopes have an equal voice, too.” She opened her eyes to see Elliot looking at her intently, hanging on her every word.

“How do I feel about you?” She took a deep breath. “I love you. You’re my best friend, and I want you…I want you to be even more.”

Elliot went still, looking like a statue. She felt a flush of cold fear run down her spine— _I said too much, too soon, dammit!_ She took a deep breath, about to add a codicil or retraction to that rash statement, when Elliot thawed. A smile bloomed slowly across his face, warm and loving, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “Do you…” He stopped and cleared his throat. “Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that?” he asked hoarsely.

Susan’s breath left her in an explosive whoosh, relief making her a little dizzy. “No?”

“Well…me neither, honestly, because it kinda just crept up on me. But it’s been a while.” He paused and licked his lips. “I love you too.”

Susan closed her eyes against her own tears that suddenly threatened her calm. “Oh. That’s…nice.”

Elliot chuckled. “There’s that word again. Yeah, it’s nice. It’s _very_ nice.”

“Yeah.” Susan opened her eyes and wiped at them with her napkin. _Stupid tears._ She suddenly realized she was grinning at Elliot, her heart pounding and her skin flushed with relief. He looked to be much the same, his smile wide enough to light up the room.

“So…this is our first date of many?” he asked.

Susan couldn’t smile any wider, but she nodded. “Yeah. I think that’d be a good thing.”

“Good. Me too. Meanwhile…” Elliot reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small bottle of hand sanitizer. He rubbed some vigorously onto his hands, then shoved the bottle back into his pocket. Susan was a little embarrassed by how much the scent of the sanitizer soothed her.

Elliot’s smile turned bashful, and he held out a hand across the table. “Meanwhile, do you wanna hold hands?”

The request felt like it should be taking place between two awkward seventh graders, not two high school seniors approaching graduation. And yet…it also felt right. She shook her head slowly, wonderingly. “You are too darn nice, Elliot Daniel Dunkel.”

“Nah, I think I’m just nice enough.” He wiggled his fingers invitingly at her. “How about it?”

Susan bit her lip, considering his hand, lying clean and unthreatening on the table top halfway between them. Not approaching her, not demanding. Just waiting. Slowly, shyly, she slid her hand into his. His smile grew even broader and warmer. “Baby steps,” he said softly, and he gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

Susan nodded and squeezed his hand back. She was surprised at how nice his hand felt in hers. Solid. Warm. Strong. Safe. She took a deep breath, enjoying the connection with him in her hand. Feeling him warm and alive against her skin. Holding her. Supporting her. Not asking for anything more, not asking for anything she wasn’t ready to give. She smiled at him, and his return smile held all the warmth and love she could ever hope to see. “Yeah. Baby steps,” she agreed quietly. “But someday… _someday_ , I’ll run.”


End file.
